2018-08_LT-CantGetOverHim

Break-ups/Dating/My Relationships

When You Can’t Get Over Him…

Ladies… Have you ever been hung up on a boy, but find that you’re “sooo over” yourself before you’re actually over him?

Same.

BUT WHY?! Why do we get fed up with ourselves faster than we’re able to move on from him? We didn’t do anything wrong! We can’t help how we feel! We’re entitled to our feelings!

Well, I’ve felt this exact same way multiple times.

Let’s talk about three of them. We’ll call them Kevin, Joe, and Nick — totally random names, by the way.

Kevin and I never dated. Our feelings were simply put out there, but never acted upon. For years, I daydreamed about what could have been and exaggerated in my mind what actually was. Eventually, I found myself heartbroken over a relationship I never even had.

Joe was a much different situation. He was charming, flirty, and fun, which was the problem. Without ever really stating feelings or intentions, we eventually found ourselves in a sort of fling — which left me a jumbled mess! After weeks of trying to figure out where we did or didn’t stand, I finally demanded an answer. Instead of talking about how he felt, we talked about how he didn’t feel. Joe didn’t have feelings for me and he certainly didn’t want to pursue me. He was just using me to make up for what he was missing. I tried to make him miss me, asking myself, “If I was good enough to flirt with, why wasn’t I good enough to date?

Then there’s Nick… Nick and I dated (although, because he thought it was a mistake, he’d say we didn’t). Nick pursued me and it seemed like he really wanted to get to know my heart. He was very clear about his intentions and persistent in his pursuit. Until one day, after a minor disagreement, he dropped me and everything we had, fearing that so long as we were together, his future wouldn’t promise happiness. Ouch.

Now, what does this have to do with you? Maybe you’ve had (or still have) feelings for a Kevin, or a short-lived fling with a Joe, or even dated a Nick. If so, we have something in common. It’s not necessarily the relationship or lack thereof, but the aftermath that can send us into a spiral of questions, doubts, and terrible feelings and emotions that don’t help us get over him. It doesn’t matter how the situation started or ended; what matters is how we allow ourselves to hang onto the idea of him when it’s all said and done.

Maybe the reason we become fed up with ourselves is because while we may think we didn’t do anything wrong, we did. Or maybe we don’t think we can help the way we feel, but we can.

When we can’t get over a guy, deep down inside, we know there’s something wrong with investing so much of ourselves into someone who, for whatever reason, is unable to reciprocate our feelings. When we allow this to happen, we simply end up hurting ourselves.

No, no. Don’t be mad. I get it.

He broke up with you unexpectedly…
He ghosted you…
He led you on…
He’s still leading you on…
He’s showing interest but not being direct…
He blamed his constant flirting on his “personality”…
He doesn’t know you exist…
He complimented another girl…
He smiled at another girl…
He looked at another girl…
He has friends who are girls…

I get it. These are all valid reasons to feel the way you do!

However, just because you’re entitled to your feelings, doesn’t mean you no longer have control over your actions. Want to get over him?

Break the Bad Habits

The stalking (both in person and online), the re-reading old texts, the constant talking about him needs to stop. Why would you keep reminding yourself of why you’re hurt? Stalking and keeping track of old ties doesn’t just continue to stir up old feelings, but also prevents you from being open to what is in front of you now.

It’s like window shopping; you see something you want but can’t have. Why waste our time chasing after something we don’t have control over (i.e., another person’s feelings), when we can focus on what we do have control over? Things like our personal authentic happiness, joy, and freedom. The time you spend scrolling through his social media is time you could spend healing and letting yourself be loved — falling out of love with him and more in love with yourself and the glorious life that has been created for you.

Put That Finger Down

In the past, every time I had a failed relationship, I immediately blamed myself. I told myself it ended because I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, flirty enough, thin enough. I thought I was too complicated, too headstrong, too passionate. I would tear myself apart, creating even more heartbreak. I wanted to be good enough for him, so I began to believe there was something inherently wrong with me.

Through my healing process, I realized two things:
1. If I wasn’t mature enough to move on from a relationship, maybe I wasn’t mature enough to enter into one, and 2. Just because something didn’t work out, doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. Every experience in life, good or bad, is an opportunity to learn and grow. Instead of looking back and thinking of all of the reasons something went wrong, take it for what it is and use it as a learning experience. Challenge yourself.

Stop asking yourself about the what if’s. Stop playing the blame game. Stop the petty behavior. Everytime you give in to that negative self talk, take a step back and give yourself three affirmations. Instead of being the bitter and tacky ex or the weepy victim of unrequited love, be the woman of worth in Proverbs 31 — the classy, strong woman who thrives in all of her endeavors because of her faith in the Lord.

There Is No Quick Fix

I could easily give you a list of things to do that’ll distract you from your broken heart, like exercising, spending time with your girlfriends, or baking a gluten-free, dairy-free cake — this glazed lemon pound cake is my fave! There is one problem with these solutions, though: they are all quick fixes. I know all too well how they will end — you’ll go into your room, close the door, throw yourself on your bed, and wonder — again — how you could have lost him. While a distractions aren’t bad as they can be fun and keep your mind busy, know that no amount of baked good will help you get over a boy. Here’s the thing: you don’t need a distraction or something temporary to help you get over this fella for good — you need something eternal.

Trade the Boy for a Man

Only He can satisfy you the way your heart yearns to be satisfied. Maybe God is the last person you want to bring your heart break to. Maybe you’re angry at Him. Maybe you blame Him for it not working out. At the end of my last relationship, I felt that same way, but I decided to turn to Him anyway because why would the maker of my heart break it? He knows your heart and how to take care of it better than you or anyone else does or ever will. Jesus was able to speak life into my brokenness. Eventually, instead of feeling bitter and hung up over the guy, I was able to walk with my head held high, knowing that God is good and the growing pains I experience are all a part of the journey He has planned for me.

I know your heart is aching, but don’t let that hold you back from the Lord. Talk to Him. Tell Him why you’re angry, why you’re hurting. Whatever it is, just bring it to Him. Once you’ve had your chance to speak, let Him. Go to Mass and allow yourself to be filled by the Eucharist, spend time in Adoration to remind yourself of how loved you are, and read Scripture when you want to hear His voice. Jesus doesn’t mind being the person you run to when your heart is broken. In fact, He wants to be that guy. That other guy you’re hurting over may not be the one, but stick by Jesus’ side and He’ll lead you to him.

You want to know what to do when you can’t get over him? Allow yourself to. You’re hung up because you know your heart was made for love — you’re yearning for it. However, Jesus wants you to be enough for you. So, reclaim your beautiful, worthy self and let Him be enough! You were made for so much more and the king of your heart wants to show you that.

Your sis,
Ashley

About the Author

Ashley Hinojosa

You'll either find me being very awkward, or as I was once called, "overly friendly." I love running, traveling, praying, and being overly confident in my dance moves. Sometimes, I keep old shoes and tell people I'm saving them as my future relics, because if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that we're all called to sainthood. I am currently attending the University of Dallas, where I'm majoring in theology and concentrating in pastoral ministry. With it, I hope to lead myself, as well as everyone and anyone I come across, to heaven. I'm not always sure about what I'll do in this life, but I remain confident in knowing that whatever it is, God will lead me there and it will be for His glory that I do it. If you wanna follow me on my journey, you can find me documenting it on insta @ashleyhino or tweeting about it @ashley_hino.