2015-06_LT-FreedomPorn

My Relationships/Pornography/Sex and Chastity

Good Girl, Bad Girl: My Struggle with Porn

If you’re the girl that sits in your room all alone and beats yourself up because you think you are the only girl with a problem with pornography and masturbation — this is for you.

Let me share with you my story.

I am a sinner. No doubt about that. But there was one sin that got a hold of my life and for a very long time I could not bring myself to confess it. I was addicted to pornography and masturbation.

I wasn’t a bad person, or at least I tried to convince myself so. I attend Mass every Sunday. I’ve received all my necessary sacraments. I serve in the choir and as a lector. Every Friday, I attend prayer meetings and often, I even lead praise and worship. I also co-lead our parish youth ministry.

But… At the age of 14, I started masturbating. Not out of peer pressure. Not through porn or romance novels (those came afterwards). I just did and I didn’t know why. And before you knew it, I was addicted. The worst part of it all is the fact that for 4 whole years, I didn’t even know what I was doing was wrong. The urges grew stronger and the frequency increased. I just could not stop.

I thought, “How can a person who serves in church and attends Mass regularly, who prays and leads in worship get caught up in such a sin? How can a girl be addicted with what’s supposed to be a boy’s problem?”

By the time I was 18, and had discovered that it was a sin, I fell into depression. I officially stopped praying and reading the Bible. I attended Mass just to oblige to my mom and I started hurting myself physically. I caked my face with makeup and wore clothes with lesser and lesser material. I focused on what the world wanted of me. I could not recognize myself anymore. The clubs, the drinks, the “socializing.” I could no longer look at myself as a “good person.” To top it all of, by the time I was 19, I had failed my first year of university. And as all this was happening, “that sin” was the number one partner in crime.

I then attended my very first youth camp. Boy, did that change my life. I met a group of teens, who ministered at the camp and who were just like me. Their testimonies stirred me up. They each had their own unique story to share, with different challenges, their own distinct addictions, but they all had one similarity – they were ashamed of who they were and never thought they were worthy of anything. But instead of wallowing in that misery, each and every one of them encountered Jesus in a personal way and from that moment on, they looked up to Jesus and believed that they are truly are sons and daughters of God. These people are still my friends to this day, who support me through all the challenges that I face in my addictions and in life.

My life changed from that camp. Jesus became the center of my life. I gave up all the worldly things that were keeping me from truly experiencing God’s love in my life. The most difficult part of it all was the temptation to “that sin” and the fact that I could not do anything to keep myself from falling over and over again. I couldn’t think of myself as a normal girl, let alone a good one, worthy of God’s love.

5 months later, I attended a week long inner healing retreat at the Divine Retreat Center in India. The entire week was amazing and extremely spirit-filled and I left as a changed person. I found the courage to speak to someone about this addiction. To my amazement, she said, “Dear, I went through the exact same thing. And you’re not the only one facing this. But believe me (or St. Paul) when I say, NOTHING can separate you from the love of God. And I repeat, nothing.”

If you’re suffering from an addiction of any sort, but especially to pornography and masturbation, you are not alone. There are other girls out there who are going through the exact same thing. This addiction does not mean you are bad.

You see, I believed in the lie that I was a bad person, a bad girl because of this sin that I was trapped in. I believed that I was the only girl who was suffering in this bondage of sin. These are nothing but lies that have been placed in our minds by the devil.

Your addiction does not make you less worthy of God’s love for you. In fact, His grace and love abounds all the more where sin is. And just as He remains the same yesterday, today and forever, His immense love for you will never change no matter what you do.

If you’re a girl like me who is suffering from temptation to masturbation and pornography, here are a few things that I did that I’d like to share with you on our journey to holiness and freedom from this bondage of sin.

1. Always strive to be in a state of grace

Jesus gave us the Sacrament of Reconciliation because He knew that we would need it. I always do my best to go to Confession, every time I fall into sin, no matter how often it is.

2. Mother Mary is your best friend

She’s the mother of Jesus and as we have become children of God, she’s our mother too! Which means, she knows us and loves us so much and wants to help us! Pray the rosary every day! The rosary is one of our strongest weapons for our battle against sin. And the victory of holiness becomes much more visible and possible the more rosaries we pray.

3. Receive Jesus more frequently

What I’ve noticed in my journey towards holiness is that the more I attended Mass, the battle I faced against this temptation was much easier to overcome. Because, wouldn’t it be much more easier to face the real bad guy with Jesus literally in you, than all alone?

4. Talk to someone

My burdens got lighter the moment I opened up my problems to my spiritual director. Pray and ask God to lead you to someone who is trustworthy to whom you can confide your life. It could be priest or a religious sister, or someone who is mature in his or her faith but also striving to be a faithful disciple of Christ. This person could also be your accountability partner or the person you could go to whenever you are tempted.

5. Always look to Jesus

You see, we’re going to face temptations all our life, and we’re going to fall. But the most important part is that we look to Jesus on the cross for the strength and perseverance we need to get back up. Look to Him in prayer and through His word which is the most important words we need to fill our lives with.

I pray for all of you reading this, that you will be able to OVERCOME these temptations of sin and that we will all be able to experience the true joy and satisfaction that God has to offer.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that you may have peace in me. In the world, you will have difficulties. But have confidence: I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Editor’s Note: If you’re ready to claim victory over these addictions, check out the Victory app today and start walking the path to freedom. And be sure to check out all the free resources available to you at LeavePorn.com.

About the Author

I'm a 2nd year University student from Malaysia whose life revolves around Jesus and chocolate, Jesus being the greater one (duh! but also because I'm allergic to chocolate!) Whenever I'm not studying, I'm either doodling, running, or having my mini praise and worship session in my room. Aspiring to one day serve God full time as a missionary.