Dating/My Relationships/Teen Relationships

I Don’t Believe in Soulmates.

I don’t believe in soulmates.

I’m serious.

And no, these aren’t just the bitter words of an unmarried woman. Trust me, I can’t wait to get married, but I’m not waiting around for “my soulmate.”

But Michelle, what about all those movies where the girl and they guy find “the one?”

The Lie

Honestly, I feel lied to.

My whole life I have been told by society that I just need to find my “soulmate” — the one that was “created for me” and whom I will find when the stars align just perfectly. Far too common are the romantic movies where the distressed young woman searches longingly for her soulmate — that one, perfect person that fits into your life like the last missing puzzle piece. The “one” that if there were millions of people around you, you would know, without a doubt, that they were your soulmate.

Sure, this is a novel and romantic idea, that there is one man out there waiting for me, and we are to live together, happily ever after as… well, you know… soulmates.

I don’t believe in soulmates; what I do believe in is true love.

What is love?

Marriage is a vocation that involves loving the other. Love involves choice. Love involves suffering. Love involves choosing to love an imperfect person. And it’s a choice we make daily, again and again and again.

I think our commitment to loving someone daily and choosing them daily makes them the one. The freedom to choose someone daily is far more romantic to me than the notion of a soulmate who you’re bound to love no matter what. In the free choice of the will there is a real freedom and real love.

This is beautifully exemplified when a spouse dies and the other remarries. The other spouse, though in pain because of their loss, is often times able to love another again. They are choosing to love again. This is also beautifully displayed when a couple feels like they have fallen out of love. Their commitment to continue to chose each other despite their emotion, is in fact romantic!

Love isn’t easy

When we choose to get married we are marrying someone who is imperfect and has many flaws. I have seen many relationships fail because one or both of the partners puts the other on a pedestal or holds them to an unrealistic, perfectionist ideal.

“This is my soulmate. This should be easy! We are perfect for eachother.”

When we have this mentality we aren’t living in reality. Relationships are hard, and from what I hear, marriage is hard too. I think we have idolised the idea of soulmates because it makes marriage, love and dating look easy. I have seen far to many couples shocked when they find that relationships are hard work and that love isn’t easy. When we look to the ultimate example of love, Jesus on the cross, we see that love isn’t easy at all, beautiful yes, but ultimately it is a choice. The decision to love someone is a difficult one. And it’s a choice we have to make daily, in suffering and in joy.

God’s Will.

Is there only one person God intends us to find and love? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it is different for each person. It is hard to say. What we do know is that God intends that we love the person we marry.

Even though I don’t believe in soulmates, I will tell you what I do believe in. I believe in God’s will and His providence. I know that when it is time that I get married, that I will be marrying the man that God desires that I marry in that moment in time. God’s will is a mystery and hard to understand. But we know that God doesn’t impose His will on us.

He invites us and we accept. We can choose love.

God is our soulmate.

I don’t believe in soulmates because I am “unromantic.” I don’t believe in them because God is our soulmate. When our life comes to end our souls are in union with their Lover, God Himself. NOT man who was “created for me.” Because the only person we are created for is God. God alone is our lover.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not unromantic and emotionless, quite the opposite. I believe in God’s will, romance, attraction, compatibility, love, and all the things you should take into consideration when loving and marrying a person, but when you decide to get married, marry someone you love, and vow to chose them daily, when it is easy and when it isn’t.

And more importantly chose the person who you want to love into heaven.

About the Author

Michelle Neitzke

I am originally from the south but somehow found my way up to the northern tundra (aka Saint Paul, Minnesota) where I live and also work for an amazing parish in the Archdiocese. I love good humor, fall weather, black olives, tea, studying theology, bodies of water, Chick-fil-a, bookstores, and great company. I love sharing my faith with others and I consider it an honor that I am able to participate in the Church’s mission of making the name of Jesus Christ known and loved. Follow me on Twitter @MichelleNeitzke

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