Let me start this off with a confession: I don’t always feel God. I’m sure this comes to a shock, because most Catholics feel God’s presence and goodness 100% of the time, right? Well, not quite, even though that’s what I thought for a long time. I thought I was completely alone because I didn’t feel like I God was with me. But then, He showed me something really cool.

I was having a bad Holy Week. It was my first week back to classes after Spring Break, which is always a difficult time. I had planned for weeks to attend Holy Week services, something I was pretty excited to do. Yet, when the week came, I let the grumpiness in me decide that mass wasn’t a priority. I was feeling very frustrated with God.

I was bummed that I still hadn’t really made any friends at my new school. I missed my old school and the relationships I had formed there, and was starting to wonder if transferring had been the right decision for me. Also, I was trying to discern what my vocation might be, and frightened as to what I thought He was telling me. On top of that, a good friend had just moved away, which meant when I wasn’t at school at work, I was alone. I was getting pretty tired of the loneliness.

All my friends were telling me to “give it to Jesus” and how I always have Him with me, so I am never fully alone. But after many weeks of misery, I was starting to feel like even Jesus had abandoned me. That is, until Good Friday rolled around.

I started making excuses for myself. I was so tired after working all day, I needed sleep, and it wasn’t a holy day of obligation, so it didn’t really matter, right? I had talked myself out of yet another service and felt justified in my decision. However, the storm cloud loomed heavily that night, and as I sat in my car in the parking lot after work, I wasn’t in the mood to go home just yet. So, I decided I would just go to Church for the Good Friday service. I was secretly hoping that maybe by going to Church, Jesus would bring me some sort of comfort. It’s funny that even on the day that Jesus died for me personally, I was still expecting more from Him.

When I walked into church, I saw that the crucifix was covered, and my first thought was “My Jesus is hidden from me!” This made me even angrier as it made me feel more alone. However, I told myself that I would at least have Christ in the tabernacle, and He would be my companion. This kind of seemed like a shot in the dark to me, because I have always struggled with understanding how Christ could be fully present in the Eucharist. I’m a science major, and when things can’t be proven, my brain gets confused. But, I thought maybe this was an opportunity to believe without understanding. When I looked over, my heart sank as I saw that there was even no Jesus in the tabernacle. I had entered the church that night feeling alone and abandoned, and tried to find consolation in Christ, but where was He? The time I needed Him the most, He wasn’t there.

I was heartbroken throughout the service, alternating between desperation for Him and anger that He wasn’t there for me. Then, there was a communion aspect of the service, which I didn’t realize would be happening. As I walked back after receiving Him, I heard Him say to me “Here! I am right here with you!” He had not abandoned me! In fact, on the day of His death, His suffering, He still found a way to be with me and comfort me. And that’s when I realized I wasn’t alone. Jesus chose me. He chose to be with me, even while He was upon that cross. He was simultaneously dying for me and still holding me close.

I can’t say that my bad mood disappeared and that everything in my life got better. There is and still will be struggle—that I know. In fact, my human emotions didn’t really change. But, that’s okay because my feelings change constantly. My faith is not based how how I feel, but His grace. Because even when I don’t always feel it, Christ is desperately reaching to comfort me, even from upon that cross.