Q: I don’t know how to break up with my boyfriend, or if I even want to. I don’t want to hurt this guy I’m with now at all, but my sister said it’s better to break up with him now than to be with him half-heartedly and hurt him more in the long run. What should I do?

A: If you’re seriously wondering if it’s time to end a relationship… then it’s time to end the relationship.

Your sister is right. Imagine how you’d feel on the other side (cue Adele): you’re with someone that you really like and you think great things are happening, that this relationship is going somewhere… and then you find out that his feelings for you are lukewarm, that he’s been thinking about ending it for awhile, maybe even that he’s tried to cut things off in the past but you just didn’t understand and so he wussed out and is staying with you because he doesn’t know how to cut things off… Awful.

Here’s what great and terrible about dating: you’re probably going to end up dating more than one person. Few people in this country marry their high school sweetheart these days. According to the world’s foremost authority on relationships (“Google”), very few people (probably less than 3% of the population) marry their first love; and of the people who do, the divorce rate is comparable to the national average (about 50%). So, the odds of you marrying and staying married to someone you meet in high school aren’t great.

Why are you in this relationship in the first place? Some people start dating because they feel pressure to date, or are seeking their worth in another person. Some teens start a serial dating pattern, moving from one relationship to the next, never spending any time as a ‘single’ person because they use relationships to feel good about themselves. Some date simply out of boredom – they like the attention they receive from someone else, even if they aren’t genuinely interested in returning it.

…If your reasons for staying with this guy sound anything like the paragraph above, it is definitely time to end it.

Even if your reasons for entering the relationship were good, things must have changed – otherwise, you wouldn’t be questioning your commitment to him. Don’t feel badly about that – you’re actually doing the most loving and respectful thing by ending a relationship that isn’t going somewhere. You deserve more from your dating life, and so does he.

You should both only be in relationships that challenge you, bring you joy, make you think, make you laugh, and most importantly, bring you closer to God and make you a better version of yourself. If this relationship isn’t accomplishing that, it’s not because he’s a terrible person, or you are. It’s because the two of you aren’t a great match, for whatever reason, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Please don’t settle for less than God’s best for you.

Dating can be a wonderful, terrible, challenging, heartbreaking, and rewarding institution. The reality is simple: there are risks are present in all dating relationships, at any age. If you date well, you can get to know another person and learn more about relationships in general.

Creative dating – coming up with fun ideas on ways to pass the time beyond dinner and a movie – will help you learn more about yourself and what’s happening in your community. Having healthy relationships can teach you how to respect yourself, members of the opposite sex, and everyone else around you. Living chastity as a high school student sets a strong foundation for living chastity the rest of your life. Dating relationships can challenge you to be a more thoughtful, considerate, selfless person… all qualities you will need in your future vocation, whatever it may be.

And part of the dating scene is learning how to break up and be broken up with. Remember, most of your romantic relationships will end – so when you initiate a break up, will you be courageous, respectful, clear, and kind? And what about when someone else breaks up with you… can you accept that a relationship has ended without it attacking your sense of self-worth? Will you take that rejection gracefully? Will you trust God to provide you with other relationship opportunities in the future? Will you be open to whatever He asks of you next?

During my sophomore year, a guy that had been one of my best friends for about a year asked me out. Three and half years later, we broke up… and I have zero regrets about the time we spent together. And when it was time for that relationship to end, I learned how to break up kindly, and how to trust God that He would always provide for me (and for him).

I knew that my self-worth didn’t hang on whether or not this boy loved me. I believed that my future marriage would be much happier, healthier, and holier because that first relationship set such a solid foundation for every other relationship I had been in (or thought of being in) after. I understood that it was better to be single than connected to someone who wasn’t good for me. And I am certain that everything I learned while dating that guy has made me a much better person today.

I’m grateful that when it was time for that relationship to end, it ended. It took a lot of prayer, courage, and compassion, from me and from him, to recognize that things had changed and it was time to move on. And praise God for it – He had a much better match in mind for me all along. I’ll be praying for that same courage and compassion for you.

Do you have a question about dating and relationships you’d like to ask David and Rachel Leininger? Email them at [email protected] and your question could be the next blog post!