It kind of really sucks when you hit that age where the world asks for a realist and all you want to do is dream. That time when school isn’t as safe as it used to be and people expect a well-formed plan that’s not too extreme, but not too lazy. People ask those usual questions “Oh, you’re working on a bachelors degree? What will your graduate school major be?” Or, “You need a major that’s marketable. Why not choose this one?“ Or to me as a missionary: “What happens afterwards? This is only a temporary thing right?” Wait, what? First you want me to sit in a class room until I get my first grey hair but then you won’t even let me pick what I study for those six years? Why do I have to market my degree? Why would they offer a sixty thousand dollar degree that doesn’t help you get a job to pay it off? Ridiculous, right?
Well, none of the questions people asked by themselves really bothered me. These were all said with good intentions. All together though they place expectations on me that (probably) didn’t come from prayer or at least my prayer and maybe God wasn’t even considered at all. Where’s the room for me to be fearless, to have reckless abandonment to His will? When was I encouraged to truly listen to where God wanted me to be?
This is just one way God can be fumbled out of consideration. These rational assumptions put my Lord and Savior in a box. Good intentions and protective love tried to tell me that security is more important than God‘s will. The mentality I was programmed for was, “Why would God call me somewhere where I couldn’t provide for myself?” Recently in prayer I’ve been focusing on my cowardice. The coward I am and was. When I failed to keep God in the equation, when I don’t call my brother/sister out in love for an offense, or when I outright refuse to follow Him. Its shameful to know I have directly refused a request from the Creator of the Universe.
Contemplating all this, I had to consider a few other things. God created my intellect which is what makes me rational(duh) but He also created my heart, my imagination, my desires and every other personal quirk. This means He can speak to me through one or all of these. The tendency I had when I graduated high school was to smother any desire that didn’t come from intellect. Those desires were reckless and dangerous. But God himself is reckless. He left his Church in the hands of a handful of fishermen. Not the most logical business venture.
Okay so to make a long story short, I spent three years after high school wandering with little prayerful direction. I went to two different colleges with mediocre grades and no passion. I had to make a change. So without a degree, with a respectable chunk in student loans, and no expectations, I became a missionary for God and Life Teen. I’ve never felt more in communion with His will than I do right now. Yes, I have worries and no, life isn’t perfect but I’m right where God wants me, which is more security than I ever expected.
So my prayer from here on out is to be reckless in seeking Him, no box and no expectations. Lord help me to be fearless in following Your will. Amen.