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“Some of you may be tempted to take flight from responsibility: in the fantasy worlds of alcohol and drugs, in shortlived sexual relationships without commitment to marriage and family, in indifference, in cynicism and even in violence. Put yourselves on guard against the fraud of a world that wants to exploit or misdirect your energetic and powerful search for happiness and meaning. But do not avoid the search for the true answers to the questions that confront you. Do not be afraid!” – John Paul II, January 1, 1985 for the World Day of Peace

Read More: Peace and Youth Go Forward Together

Questions for Your Journal

1. Why is their pressure to party? Have I ever drank or done drugs with my friends? If so, why did I do it?
2. What is the fantasy of drugs, alcohol, and hooking up? What is the reality?
3. Am I afraid of being different? What do I need from God so that I can stand strong?

What it is. If infatuation is all about the heart, then obsession is all about the head. Obsession is the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent fantasy.

Where you see it. Teen girls have always enjoyed obsessing over celebrities and entertainers. Right now it’s Justin Bieber, soon it will be someone else. Regardless of who is at the center of the obsession, it’s always the same thing: buying all of his stuff, going to all the concerts, talking about him with friends. And of course, believing in your head that the two of you will end up together.

Guys can also obsess over girls in movies, TV,  and in music, but they don’t act out on it in the same way girls do. In some cases, obsession for males is less about a fantasy of a destined relationship and more about lust.

Why people accept obsession. When it’s innocent, obsession is a secure way for a young person–especially a young girl–to commit herself to one guy without going through the drama of a real life dating relationships.

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Why obsession is the counterfeit of love. Obsession is what I call directional love. That means you point your love at someone, and you send it at them whether they like it or not. You spend more and more time detached from your own world and get lost in your fantasy about this person. Obsession is never grounded in reality. If you don’t keep it in check, everyone will just think you’re weird.

The real problem with obsession, however, is that you are allowing a human to become your god. All of things that are due to God–love, worship, praise, hope–are shifted away from Him and onto someone else.  And that someone else will always let you down because they were never meant to be God. That is why God warned us against obsession with the First Commandment:

I am the Lord your God and you shall have not have any other gods before me.

When you obsess, you are setting yourself up to fail. Stay focused on what’s real.

<< Yesterday: Part II Infatuation | Tomorrow: Part IV Co-dependence >>

Editor’s Note: Before we break open this topic let me first say this: This is a tough issue. Many of you reading this are dealing or have dealt with pornography in some way. Many of you feel alone and ashamed because of your use. I want you to know that you are not alone and you are stronger than you’ve been lead to believe. You have a God who loves you and offers you hope and freedom. Before you read any further, take a minute to pray for anyone who feels trapped by the bonds of pornography. Your prayers matter and can make a difference.

Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. Internet sales alone reach over $5 billion per year. More than half of its viewers online are men (72%), but in recent years more and more women are viewing pornography (28%). Pornography is everywhere and easily accessible to anyone of any age at any time. With a culture that has become obsessed with self-gratification and instantaneous satisfaction, it is no surprise that the pornography industry continues to make money. But, what are they really selling?

The people who write, produce, make, and sell porn understand the desire for pleasure, fantasy, adventure, and love. At the heart of pornography is the message that you can feel good about yourself and fulfill all your needs and desires through pleasure.

The pornography industry is trying to sell a counterfeit sense of love as an authentic sense of love. Real love is committed. It holds true in tough situations. It is not based on fantasy or pleasure. Real love allows us to feel things like true joy and even pain. Real love has at the center the best possible good of another person. It is directed towards another person, not to ourselves. Pornography, on the other hand, allows us to escape reality and indulge in what feels good at the moment. It numbs us to all other feelings and gives a false sense of self-satisfaction and acceptance. In short, the pornography industry is trying to sell love—lying, fake, unsatisfying, and selfish love. This is the lie of pornography.

Nothing about pornography is real. The actors, the stories, and the settings—it’s all fake. Porn is created to stir up strong emotions of satisfaction, pleasure, and adventure that are not based in any sort of reality. It is all based on the fantasy of the viewer.

What porn does is it creates a temporary escape from reality. Many people turn to porn for different reasons: a lack of self-confidence, the desire to be needed, to escape a tough situation, a desire to feel happy, and often times boredom. This temporary escape is just that—temporary. Once all the pleasure fades the person is still left searching for what is truly going to fulfill and satisfy their desire to be loved.

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One of the key ways to overcome the temptation of pornography is the virtue of self-control or self-mastery. This virtue, especially when it comes to pornography, is not about trying to prove that you are stronger than the temptation. It is about recognizing why you are feeling tempted. Many men and women who work at self-mastery find that temptation comes when they are most vulnerable. Feelings of stress, loneliness, disrespect, or shame can often trigger temptation. When we can recognize these feelings, we can stop and ask ourselves what it is we are really looking for. Most of the time the answer is love.

Real love is found in the heart of the Father. When we immerse ourselves in this real love given to us by God our Father, we are able to know when we encounter fake love. Authentic love will never come from pleasure. Our Father offers us a love that transcends our sin and shortcomings. His love perfects our imperfections. It endures even when we reject. It gives us strength when we are weak. When we seek love, this is what we are looking for. This is the love that never fails.

It is my deepest hope and prayer that we could know and live with the confidence that God’s grace is more than enough for us. Let us join together in praying for the destruction of the pornography industry and all attacks on human dignity and true love.

The Bachelor. So many engagements. Why so few marriages?

What it is. Infatuation is temporary, all-absorbing crush or passion.

Where you see it. Most chick flicks are about infatuation because it’s packed with emotion and romance without any of the “ordinary” parts of life to slow down the plot. Many websites and magazines for teen girls routinely talk about “love” when they’re really talking about “infatuation.”

Music is loaded with infatuation. Consider Katy Perry’s song “Teenage Dream”

Katy Perry songs are always trapped by "the now"

My heart stops when you look at me. Just one touch now baby I believe. This is real so take a chance and don’t ever look back. Don’t ever look back.

That sounds sweet and all, but what does that really mean? Can people talk like that forever without feeling silly?

Why people accept infatuation. Infatuation feels good. You get an emotional high with an intense crush. It adds magic to an otherwise ordinary day. Also, being infatuated is kind of a “coming of age” that for many people marks the beginning of being a teenager.

Why infatuation is the counterfeit of love. Infatuation is a fleeting feeling. It’s a flame that gives no warmth. I knew a girl in high school who never kept a boyfriend because she always had to find someone new to fall in love with. She was addicted to the idea of being in love, not the messy reality of loving someone.

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This doesn’t just happen in high school either. Many people get engaged because they’re infatuated with one another, but their connection has never been challenged by time. Their marriage becomes difficult because “ordinary life” seems to slowly destroy the good feelings of infatuation. There is a reason why marriages never last from shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is because they’re confusing infatuation for love.

Don’t ge me wrong. Crushy feelings aren’t bad. I had them for my wife when we first started dating. I get new kinds of crushy feelings for her with each new day. But infatuation is only an emotion and should never be confused as love. Love is something that is much bigger and more beautiful.

<< Yesterday: Part I Lust | Tomorrow: Part III Obsession >>

This month on LifeTeen.com we’re writing all about love. We want to figure out the difference between luv, something that’s shallow, and love, the thing that is deep and profound. So in this 5-part blog series, I’m going to talk about the things that at times might look and feel like love, but are in fact just a counterfeit. Here’s what I’ll cover:

• Part I: Lust
• Part II: Infatuation
• Part III: Obsession
• Part IV: Co-dependence
• Part V: Abuse and Manipulation

You’ll want to read this series because you owe it to yourself to only accept the real deal. Today, let’s talk about lust…

Love Counterfeit: Lust

What do Lil Wayne, Katy, and Usher have in common? They became top artists by using lust to sell their music.

What it is. Lust is an intense appetite for sex. Lust is acted out in many ways: pornography, prostitution, one-night stands.

Where you see it. Lust is very common today because people can make a lot of money by selling stuff with lust: cars, movies, video games, clothes, cologne. Lust is central to most modern club music. Consider the lyrics to Usher’s song “OMG”:

“I fell in love with shawty when I seen her on the dance floor. She was dancing sexy, pop, pop, popping, dropping, dropping low. Never ever has a lady hit me on the first sight. This was something special; this was just like dynamite.”

Where else you’ve heard about lust: Ludacris “How Low,” Katy Perry “California Gurls,” and Lil Wayne “Lollipop.”

Why people accept lust. Many young guys believe that lust defines their masculinity. To say it in another way, they think it makes them cool to be obsessed with sex. Because a guy’s lust can be so intense, a girl can feel special whenever a guy directs that intensity at her. Unfortunately, the truth is soon revealed when he moves on and lusts after someone else. Lust is never about love.

Why lust is a counterfeit of love. Lust excludes everything in a relationship that isn’t about sex. Think about that. There’s nothing about caring for each other, helping one another, encouraging one another. There’s nothing about sharing a fun life together. Lust leaves you empty and confused. Lust is indeed the opposite of love.

Pope John Paul spoke often about lust because he understood how toxic it could be to relationships and society. Consider this quote:

“Love for a person must consist in affirmation that the person has a value higher than that of an object for consumption or use… It is not enough to long for a person as a good for oneself, one must also, and above all, long for that person’s good.” ~ Pope John Paul II (underline added for emphasis)

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Dealing with lust can be very difficult, especially for young people today. But there is hope! In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus talks about how to deal with lust:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

What this means is that it’s with our EYES that lust first begins. If you keep control of your eyes, you can eliminate lust before it gets stuck in your head and heart. Pray often to overcome lust so that you can love others more purely.

Tomorrow: Infatuation >>

The Flesh May Be Weak, but the Spirit Is Willing

Crash diets don’t work. If a woman loves donuts or a man loves buffalo wings, they have the choice: control their flesh or schedule the angioplasty. Simply eliminating the temptation isn’t enough; the body must be retrained and self-control must come into play. The same is true in the battle for purity.

You are a sexual being. Everyone is. Your body was created with sexual desires for a reason, a purpose. However, the fact that you were created with such desires doesn’t mean they should dictate your life. Sex, in and of itself, is not the goal of life. It should not be the motivating factor. Sex is not a mere act. Sex is not power.

Sex is a language, gifted to us by God, that speaks of commitment and self-sacrifice. Sex is an expression of unconditional love, a unifying experience for a man and woman who have offered their lives to one another and to God.

Sex outside of the bonds (that’s right, the bonds) of holy matrimony is contrary to God’s will for several reasons.

Sex is procreative; it is the means through which God brings a child into the world. At its most fundamental level, that is what sex is all about. As the Church teaches, every child must be brought into the world through an act of love on the part of the parents. In this, conception models God’s own creative nature. God forbids us from conceiving a child in any other way—through any artificial means of conception.

Sex is also unitive, it is a binding act that unites not just the bodies but the hearts and spirits of the couple to one another and to God. Sex creates a permanent bond of love meant to foster the unity of the couple. That unity helps create an environment congenial to the raising of children. Premarital sex is sex without permanent commitment and nearly always opposed to the creation of a child.

In marriage, the couple confirms their openness to motherhood and fatherhood and the purpose of the sexual act is fully realized. In Catholic wedding vows the man and woman declare that they will willingly and joyfully accept children. In achieving this end, artificial contraception is not an option, although a couple may space their children using the method commonly known as natural family planning.

The couple also states that they will remain together as long as they both shall live. This permanent commitment transcends the graying, wrinkling, sagging and slowing down that come with time. This vow affirms that the attraction shared between husband and wife exists beyond the borders of sexual satisfaction: “No matter what happens,” the couple is saying to each other, “you are more than a body, and sex is more than an act. I am in this forever.”

If you are sexually active and not married to your partner, reconsider the language that you are using. It’s God’s language, and it is not open to adaptation or interpretation to suit your situation.

What’s the Use?

Sex in contemporary society is primarily about use (pleasure) rather than purpose (unity, procreation, pleasure). Where has this left us as a society?

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Pornography ensnares both men and women and families suffer. Divorces proliferate, leaving millions of young people leery of entering marriage themselves when they grow up. Sexually transmitted diseases leave innumerable women unable to bear children. Mothers are left to raise children alone and women are abandoned as they age because their men used a “forever” language with a “for now” intention. Countless men and women are embittered after having been thrown aside when they have fulfilled their “use.”

Consider this: when singles hook up or married people stray, sex is usually the goal, although we can fool ourselves about it, and often do. But what usually happens after the sexual thrill fades? Heartbreak and shattered lives. This should tell us something, but it doesn’t seem to. Too many people leave one illicit sexual situation and fall right into another.

When sex becomes the goal, it has lost something intrinsic—its spirit of self-sacrifice, of total and permanent commitment. In other words, it loses all that makes it sacred. When it is separated from its God-designed purpose, it becomes an act of using someone—or using oneself in the act of masturbation. And let’s be truthful: politicians might argue that oral sex is not actual sex but anyone who is honest knows that’s ridiculous.

If you are a young adult who wants to avoid the heartbreak that ultimately accompanies premarital sex, choose chastity now. The self-control, spirit of self-sacrifice and understanding of love that you acquire will also help to protect you from divorce when you do marry. Chastity now and a right understanding of the nature of love and commitment will help give you the inner strength to make it through the difficult times that come in all marriages.

What are we offering and taking, giving and using? If we want to advance to that next level of life, men and women need to take a look at it all. Otherwise, the “game” is over. Of course, if sex were just a game there would be no consequence, no emptiness, no pain and no sin.

Joining host Matt Smith on this episode are Carrie Bigley, Kemi Ndolo, and Alissa Roberts.

God is one creative Creator. He gave us the cosmos, the sun, the moon, and the stars. He gave us the mountains and the seas, volcanoes and icebergs, tropical rainforests and sand-covered beaches. He gave us the humpback whale, the platypus, the giraffe and the dragonfly. God also gave us humanity. God created us male and female – beautifully distinct and wonderfully made in His divine image. God created marriage and God created sex.

Did you catch that last line? God created sex – it was His idea – and sex is sacred. Sacred comes from a Latin term that means “holy.” When something is sacred it is connected to God and deserves great respect and reverence. God is the author of all life and, as such, the Creator of that which brings life.

Before we go on any further, it’s vital to point out that sex is absolutely more than a physical act. Sex has two purposes – the unitive (bringing a married man and woman even closer together) and the procreative (an openness to the possibility of creating life with God).

It’s important that we make a clear distinction here: love is not what makes sex sacred… at least not “love” in the sense most people think. You see, sex between animals isn’t sacred, but sex between people is.

Why, you may ask?

Humans are sacred. We are God’s children. We are made in His image and likeness (Genesis 1:26-27). It’s not just that a man and woman are “making love” – it’s that they are potentially “making humans” and there is nothing more sacred than human life (Psalm 139:14-16, Jeremiah 1:4-8).

We are mammals, yes, but we are not the same as animals. By virtue of our intellect and our free will, we are made distinctively different from the animals. We reflect the image and likeness of not only our Creator, but of our Heavenly Father, who is all holy, all perfect, and all sacred.

Human sexuality is not about what we receive, but what we give. In other words, when we reduce sex merely to an act that elicits pleasure, sex has been stripped of its dignity – the end result is use. Sex is part of God’s beautiful mystery of life in which He plays a critical role. When you strip the dignity from sex – when you take the mystery out of sex – you’re left with pornography. Sex carries with it a purpose; pornography is merely about use.

Sex is an amazing gift of God and the Church proudly proclaims how incredible and beautiful sex is in the proper context and relationship of sacramentally-committed love between a husband and wife, both sacred creations of God.

1. The Married Life
2. The Single Life
3. The Priesthood and Religious Life

1. The Married Life

You and your spouse commit to a lifetime relationship of faithfully serving one another. You are open to children and dedicated to loving and raising them. Many young Catholics see themselves becoming married and having a family. What's it like?

Commitment

One of the greatest comforts in marriage is being committed to one another.

• As Catholics, we firmly live the vows spoken at the altar: “Till death do us part…In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or worse.” It’s romantic to say when everything is perfect at the wedding, but it is a challenge to live those vows every day.
• Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same commitment that God calls us to. Half of all marriages in America end in divorce. Divorce is extremely painful for everyone–spouses, children, and grandparents.
• Many people make a habit of dating, dumping, dating, dumping… In the back of their mind, they have an “exit strategy” for when things don’t work out perfectly. In marriage, you have to break that habit of thinking. For some this is easy, for others it is very difficult.
• Grass is greener? Once married, you must break the habit of “shopping around” with the opposite sex. After years of dating, this is not as easy as it seems. When you exchange rings, that does not prevent you from being attracted to the opposite sex. There will always be more handsome men and more beautiful women.

Sex

A great joy of marriage is giving yourself to your spouse by making love! The Catholic Church believes this is entirely good! God expects married couples to make love. Often. But…

• Many men have unrealistic expectations of sex in marriage. Marriage is not an endless love-fest. You must respect, love, and adore your wife, even when she does not want to have sex.
• Learning to sexually please one another takes time and patience.
• For medical and health reasons, the two of you may not be able to have sex for long periods of time.
• When you are first married, you are both young and attractive. But as the both of you grow older, your bodies change. This is a humbling realization for the husband and the wife.
• Patience: if you need to wait to have children, then you should practice Natural Family Planning (NFP).
• Though all married couples have sex, not many have intimacy. Sex can distract a couple from deeper issues that separate the two, preventing authentic intimacy.

Joys

Although priests and religious, single, and married people share common joys, the married life offers unique joys.

• Selflessly giving yourself to another person every day
• Making love
• Pouring yourself into the lives of your children
• Sharing your children with your brothers and sisters and your parents
• Watching your children grow up
• Growing old with a friend

Hardships

Many young Catholics think that you get married >> have sex >> live happily ever after. Yes, you get married, you have sex, but living “happily ever after” takes a lifetime of work and dedication. And sacrifice! It’s not the direct result of wearing a wedding band.

• Living with another person is not easy! Have you ever been on a weeklong vacation with your best friend? Your spouse may suffer from emotional or physical problems, and you must patiently stick by their side through it all.
• Children are a joy, but raising children is not easy. In your child’s young years, there are many sleepless nights. Throughout school, there’s always something going on. Junior high and high school is a trying time for everyone. Consider what you and your parents have been through in just the past year. There’s pain, frustration, and heartache.
• Some people grow apart over time. This is why courtship is so important. You have to be sure you marry someone who will grow with you.
• When you marry your spouse, you also marry the family. Your spouse’s parents become your children’s grandparents. This is often a joy, because your in-laws are an extension of the goodness of your spouse. But, in-laws become a real part of your life.
• Having a family is a financial commitment. How you spend your money changes drastically. Some of the “toys” from your single life have to go (fast cars, expensive clothes, newest gizmos, etc.)
• As a parent, life ceases to be about you and becomes about them. Children are always needy. You may have to let go of your own ambitions to take care of your children. Many people will say that raising children is the most rewarding ambition, but others are not ready to let go of their self-focused lifestyle.

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2. Single Life

God calls many people to live a single life. What's it like?

Commitment

• You are not committed to a spouse or any of your children, so you can commit your time to whatever you’d like. But, this freedom from commitment also means that no one is committed to you. You have to be comfortable with living solo.
• You will remain committed to your family: brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, cousins, etc.

Sex

• In the single life, it is immoral to have sexual or physical relationships with others.
• You focus your sexual energy on serving God and His church more.

Joys

• You give when and where a married person cannot: time, money, and attention. A married person is bound to serving their family.
• As a single person, you have a unique independence that married people do not.
• If God calls you to serve elsewhere, you are free to travel.
• Although you may not have any biological children, you can have many kids by staying involved in your church’s youth ministery, religious education, or in local sports teams.
• As your parents age, or as a relative becomes ill, you will be able to help them in ways that married siblings cannot.

Hardships

• Since you don’t have your own family, you’ll need to find positive ways to find company and spend your time.
• Most of your friends will eventually get married and they’ll wonder why you aren’t doing it too. You have to find confidence in your vocation and be ready to explain it to people who don’t understand.

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3. Priesthood and Religious Life

You give your entire being to God, and free yourself from worldly ambitions by taking vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. Each day you dedicate your entire life to serving Christ and His Church. But what is it like?

Commitment

Many priests, brothers, and sisters will tell you the most difficult part of their vocation is obedience, not chastity.

• This is a life-long commitment!
• You must humbly accept where your director takes you.
• You are called to be obedient to Church teachings, regardless of you personal opinions.
• You must be obedient to your bishop.
• If you are a diocesan priest, you are a committed member of a team. You must support other priests in the diocese and the work of the bishop.

Sex

You are called to live a life of celibacy. That means you vow to not have sexual relationships for the rest of your life. I know this sounds like bad news, but consider this…

• There is no taking the place of a marital sexual relationship, but as a priest, brother, or sister, you are able experience deep intimacy with God and others. Many people have sex but never have intimacy.
• You focus your sexual energy on serving God and His church.
• “Usually we have this thing, ‘if I only had the right girlfriend, if I only had the right spouse, if I only had this, if I only had that, I wouldn’t be lonely anymore and my life would be perfect,’ and that’s not true. That’s an illusion because you can’t cure loneliness by anything except embracing it with faith and giving it to God. So that’s part of what I think priestly life is about and celibate life is about. That’s part of the whole reason for it.” – Fr. Tim Hepburn, Atlanta

Joys

• Independence! Without a family to take care of, you are able to go wherever God calls you.
• Travel
• Working with people
• Knowing that every gift you have will be used for the glory of God.
• Having many children! As a parish priest, you have an entire parish that becomes your family.
• Job security!

Hardships

• Although you gain a new family, you sacrifice having your own family.
• You are called to a life of chastity, poverty, and obedience. These are blessings, but they are difficult.
• You might be the only person from your group of friends who chooses the path to priesthood or religious life. Your peers will grow up to be working professionals and maybe get married and become parents. You have to be okay with the fact that your life will not be symmetrical to their lives.

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