Today is Monday and we have a little downtime. In our formation we began a hardcore class on Bible and scripture this morning. Its taught by a ‘drill sergeant’ named Brother John. He is amazing but intense which I love…though, not sure how long I will last, lol. He has been touching on a lot of things that I have been really praying hard about and seeking truth for.
There are a lot of things that I struggle with in my faith. I do not feel Jesus on a regular basis during Mass, adoration or prayer. The times when I may have felt him, I am very skeptical about and tend to chalk it up to emotional manipulation by myself or others. I have seen worship leaders manipulate emotions as they lead a non-existent christian life. I’ve seen a crowd pressure someone to act a certain way to feel part of the group. I’ve seen teens desire that awesome feeling that sometimes comes with being in close contact of Christ. But they desire it so much that they lose the whole point and begin to worship the feeling itself, not God. I am almost positive that anybody who is reading this has had some similar experiences so I am aware that its not new.
Also, I don’t mean to say that it never happens, that everyone is fake, or even that worship leaders aren’t supposed to lead a crowd into deeper prayer…I may not get answers from my own prayer but that does not discount other’s prayer time. However, because I do not hear the Lord through my own discernment, it is hard to find answers to questions and doubts that I seek during that time. Thus, I turn outside of prayer in search of Truth (capital T for a reason). I don’t stop praying but there are things that hold me back.
Brother John made us do an exercise this morning that I had actually completed just a couple weeks earlier in a study guide to a book. He wanted us to write a mission statement that sums up our entire life. Just one sentence is pretty hard to sum me up, but I was able to condense it down to a single line.
I never want to stop seeking Truth while not conforming to the patterns of this world.
It is a scary mission statement because Truth can very easily be switched out with truth(intelligence, facts, etc…). It makes me realize how fast I can fall off the path. How important that, even though I don’t feel anything, I continue to spend time in prayer looking forward to a time in which I am not held back and am completely filled up (could or could not happen in this life time). Because without it, I will easily get lost sifting through the knowledge, the history, and the philosophy behind the Truth. I can lose myself in my doubts and the bitterness that resides in my heart will never be healed.
I am not sure what this blog was supposed to accomplish…just a little insight into my life. And i am going to publish this before I go back and change it to sound pretty and politically correct.