Recently, I was really sick. Like puking-my-brains-out, best-friends-with-the-toilet, up-all-night sick. And it was the best. That’s definitely an extremely weird statement for me to make, especially since the last time I threw up was when I was 11, and that’s the only time I remember ever throwing up, before a few weeks ago. While I wouldn’t want to repeat the experience any time soon, or ever again, I gained a lot of graces from it.
I learned how to rely on God in a new way. That entire night, I kept thinking “Man, if my mom were here, I’d feel so much better,” or “If I had some Peptobismol, I would be ok,” but then I remembered: even if my mom were there, I would have still been throwing up, and I would have felt crowded in the tiny bathroom I was in. Even if I had had any Pepto, I wouldn’t have been able to keep it down long enough for it to do any good. My next thought would be a prayer, something along the lines of “God, be with me.” Only God could fulfill me in that moment when I was so sick, and only God can fulfill me now, even when I’m healthy and happy. My only consolation during that very long night was the thought that despite the fact that I was a hot mess and terribly sick, Jesus, the love of my life, was still totally in love with me. Even though all I could do was hug the toilet, God still desired me.
One of the most miserable nights of my life changed the posture of my heart. It made me actually practice what I say I practice. It made me depend on God, and run to him in a way I don’t usually have to.
How can you turn to God in a new way, or re-turn to him in an old way, especially during this Advent season?