I am 40 years old

I can’t believe I am announicng this to all of you.  I have dreaded this day (march 24th) since I turned 39.  For an entire year, I stopped telling people how old I was.  I was very good at dodging the question any time someone asked me.  Admitting I was 39 sounded so old, even though I don’t feel old.  This past fall, someone (who will go unnamed) announced to a friend that this year I was having a Big birthday.  I cringed inside when she said it.  I later prayed about this asking God why I was having trouble with my age.  I have always loved my birthdays, always letting people know how many days left until my day.  I realized that I was feeling disappointed that I am not where I thought I would be at this age.  I really thought I would be married with kids.  I am not even close to getting married since I don’t have a boyfriend.  I am also a missionary, not making any money.  I am nothing what society says I should be at this stage in my life.

I met with my spiritual director recently and shared this struggle.  He spoke so much truth to my heart.  I felt that God was speaking directly to me.  This priest told me to look at my history and notice God’s love and presence in it.  He said not accepting my past is like telling God what He’s done for me and how He’s provided for me has not been enough.  This statement really hit me.  How could I complain about not being where I thought I should be and telling God that He hasn’t been enough?  He also pointed out that while Jesus was in the desert for 40 days, he was tempted to change his history by being king over all the peoples and lands.  If Jesus did not choose to change his history and he accepted the will of the Father, than I should accept it too.  I spent the last couple of days reviewing my past and recognizing God’s presence in it and than writing a list of all the things, people, and experiences I am thankful for.  I must say that I am thankful for all 40 years of my past and would not change it.  God has blessed me abundantly and I trust He still has many more blessings for me in the future.  So, if you want to ask me how old I am, I will tell you.  I’m 40 years old and proud of it!

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