(A Post-Sacrament Reflection)
I have addressed this before, but blogging is something that is really hard for me to do; I am getting better, but still there are things that happen in my faith life that are hard to convey. For example, our 8-day silent retreat: I have no idea how to express all that God did for me and the crazy ways in which He loved me, yet I want you to know what it was like (sorry…a blog on this is still pending)!
The same is true as I sit down to write about my first experience with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. HOW CAN I POSSIBILY PUT ONTO A PAGE THE MAGNITUDE OF GOD’S FORGIVENESS & COMPASSION!?!?!?!?!
I have no idea…
It was a weird/new/sweet/peaceful/mercy-filled time for me (and there are probably a thousand other adjectives I could use). When I first started to prepare, I wasn’t sure what to say or where to begin…25 years of sinful life to confess. There was also a small voice inside of me that questioned whether I really needed it. I was excited for it, but as I started to look at some of the darker times in my life, doubt also started to creep in.
During my actual confession, that doubt was completely overcome and it was unbelievable how much I felt the presence of the Lord at that moment. There was a peace, a confidence, and anticipation that grew as I began going thru the commandments and a detailed examination of my conscious. There was a grace that came with recalling all of my past sin and seeing how far God has brought me – seeing the ways He has called me away from sin that I habitually struggled with and the things that, because of His movement, no longer consume my life.
There was also this freeing feel that came upon me at the time of absolution: like the strings that still connected me to my past life were completely cut. I guess that was the biggest thing for me – I always felt like I was forgiven for those sins, yet there was still something connecting me to them – and now that is gone! Christ has completely removed the rubble left over from my destructive past and I am free. HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?!?!
When I walked out of the room, my community rushed my with poppers and confetti…there were hugs and smiles and quick little celebratory dances. It was an instant party to celebrate God’s limitless mercy and the ways it reigns in my life!
So my prayer is to never forget that feeling – the freedom and celebration that comes with presenting myself so humbly before the Lord in confession. It is beautiful, it is without blemish or stain, and, truth be told, it can never really be put into words. Pray for me, I am praying for you.