Sometimes, I feel like a broken record . . . that sounds like I have said it a million times before. I was just reflecting on what has been going on in my heart these last couple weeks and I realize it’s the same thing as always! When I sat down, I was going to deal with the massive amount of fear in my life when I remembered that I have been turning this over in my mind for the last few months! AAHHHHHH. I’m in the movie “Groundhog Day” and my day is reoccurring over and over and over again. Except in this case I am reflecting on the same thing over and over.
But, NO MORE! . . . Maybe I should be riding a horse, wearing armor, and waving a sword in the air when I say that? Or I could just stick my pen in the air . . . I am feeling dorky with my pen in the air. No more should I let these fears be the focus of my thought. But why have they been? I have been trying to beat the bajeeba’s out of these fears and they still won’t go away (the main one I am talking about is fear of failure and not coming through in the end). My fears still keep me from taking risks, living life to the fullest, and even find me hiding away from situations that make me anxious. But as I look back I begin to think about what I might be doing wrong.
In “Groundhog Day” Bill Murray goes crazy after awhile of experiencing the same day over again. He begins to look for a way out which first begins with killing himself and the mascot for the day. So his first solution to his problem is to become selfish and focus on simply getting himself out. It sounds similar to me. When I realize something that I am doing wrong, my first inclination is to kill it. Killing it by just stopping. No other real plan ever comes to mind so I just stick to the most basic (metaphorically: if I stick a sword into something else, I will hopefully win). But where does this get me? Well, its kind of hard to kill something that has been living inside of me since I was in grade school. These fears are huge beasts and really really smart.
Near the end of the movie, Bill Murray is getting the picture that nothing is working when he focuses on himself. He turns to loving something other than himself. He begins to change the world around him. He begins to serve, to care, and to protect. He takes the energy that he uses on himself and throws it outside of himself. It is a big risk because it means getting hurt. And I need to continually remind myself to do this! I always forget that when I am most selfish I am most weak. When I focus my energy and prayer on others I am the Incredible Hulk! Why? Because God is replenishing everything that I am giving. And others respond!
Bill Murray never gets out of his time loop until he completely loves everybody and everything that crosses his path. A selfless love that isn’t expecting anything in return. I need to get out of this rut by doing the same, serving in a way that is completely selfLESS, not selFISH. More LESS, and less FISH! that makes me laugh because I hate most seafood!