Today was a hard blog day for me. I have committed to writing blogs as often as possible and recently I have found myself in a rut. This is nothing new for me, last year I actually quit writing, I told my mission family I was done forever. Naturally, as this year started I decided to give it a go again, and somehow had managed to crank a few out.
But today is different. Today I know exactly why I’m in this rut. It’s all due to a big blue book that is staring me down from across the table. I look at it and cringe at the idea of what’s inside its pages. SAT prep tests and a few hundred pages of “helpful” study information on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. Yes, I’m rigorously studying for the SAT test I will be taking in just about a month. I’m brushing up on vocabulary, critical reading, writing well-formed essays, algebra, geometry, statistics, and all of the scholastic information I have not studied in years. I graduated high school five years ago and since have worked in hotel management, waiting tables and serving Life Teen as a missionary. You might see how studying for the SATs has become quite a challenge for me. Even as I write this blog I’m secretly thinking, “This is great practice for essays. Lets time it: twenty-five minutes start to finish.” I’m constantly opening up my study book and soaking up all the information I can on subjects like math, which I haven’t dealt with since graduating.
I keep questioning my sanity for signing up for a test I will be taking at a local high school, with juniors and seniors that I may usually serve on the weekends. Even knowing I will be forced to sit in those horrible school desks again for just four hours makes me wonder why I ever thought this was a good idea. My mind is filled with all the reasons why I should just throw in the white flag now and quit. Then a voice echoes within me, speaking peace to my heart and calming my brain, which I can never seem to turn off. I remember the peace I felt when praying about college. I remember also how God has opened just the right doors to help me get back into school. I recall all the ways my path has been laid out before me. Even in the midst of serving God and Life Teen I can see how God is rooting me in his love, to send me back to the world of calculators, exam papers, due dates, and letter grades. My heart begins to soften once again to this strange new world I am about to encounter.
Of course I am scared. I’m afraid to be in my mid-twenty’s and a college freshman. I’m even scared to be taking the SAT’s with students who have been studying more than I have. I’m scared that I am ill prepared. My scores might be something to laugh at. I’m scared knowing that I have no idea what I’m doing, or how I’m going to pay for college. I’m always asking the Lord to calm all my anxieties, which He does. Now I realize there are plenty of other people just like me, scared of this next step. There are seniors in high school who are trying to enjoy this year, but are secretly freaking out just as much as I am. I’m happy to know I’m not alone. It brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes to know I have people who understand, that we can relate. So to all of those seniors out there, the ones who are just as scared as I am, please know I’m praying for you. I’m praying for this journey, this part of our lives, this big grand adventure that we have no idea where it will take us, but that we can enjoy the path God has laid out for us to get there.