Rebellious Against Love

So recently I tore my achilles.  No, it wasn’t leaping from tall buildings or skydiving or bull riding, God is so much more creative.  I tore it playing kickball.  Yes, kickball.  One may ask the question, ‘How does a person tear their achilles playing kickball?’. Well, I must say in self-defense, this wasn’t any ordinary game of kickball, there were four year olds. So you can imagine the intensity level.  The Lord in His humor is finding more and more unique ways to humble me.  If that wasn’t enough, just days after my surgery I got a pretty serious staff infection on the back of my head, and it was not pretty, so I have been told. How I got it, I still do not know.  Through all of this though, the Lord was speaking to me loudly.  He wasn’t whispering, He was shouting.

Why is it with us men, especially those of us who are self-preservationists, that we have such a hard time with people helping us with anything?  Throughout my five weeks on crutches, my family here at Covecrest went out of their way to try and help me and shower me with love.  And I fought it, each and every time.  “No, I can carry my own food.” “You don’t have to hold the door for me.”  “I can get my own prayer book, thanks though.”  The funny thing is, however, if the shoe were on the other foot I would go out of my way to help someone in the same situation.  So why don’t I let people love me in this way?

I’ve been struggling with this question for a while.  Through prayer I have discovered that there are several reasons why.  I don’t like feeling as if I am a burden to someone, and I especially don’t like people feeling sorry for me.  These discoveries were great but they still weren’t getting to the heart of the matter, they were merely scratching the surface and not satisfying that deeper question I kept asking myself, “Why won’t you let people love you”.  My discovery was tough to swallow and cuts to the heart of every man and in many ways is every mans deepest fear.  In my time of need, I don’t like people helping me because it makes me feel weak and inadequate.  So I try to prove to people that I can do it on my own.

The reality is I am weak. And when I rebel against their love, I am really rebelling against the Father and the Father’s love, “for God is Love“(1 John 4:8).  Last week during Morning Prayer we read in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where the Lord says to St Paul, “My grace is enough for you, for in weakness power reaches perfection.” St Paul’s response says it best, “And so I willingly boast of my weakness instead, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I am content with weakness, with mistreatment, with distress, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ; for when I am powerless, it is then that I am strong.”  The Lord is teaching me more and more that it is ok to be weak.  When a child is weak, what does he or she do?  The child relies more on its parents.  I pray that in our weakness we can reach out to our Heavenly Father and Mother; to allow Christ to be our strength through the love and help of others and stop rebelling against love.  Family, thank you for your love and I’m so sorry for all the times I reject it!