I hear people say this phrase or something similar all the time. It usually bothers me because I wonder what the heck it even means. Recently, God has been showing me what it means. I spent two weeks at Covecrest to be able to spend some time observing the way camp is run there. Although the purpose for me being there was camp related, God used my time in Georgia for a purpose far greater than just camp.
It’s a really long story, but I will try to give you a brief summary. While I was in Georgia, I had a meeting with someone who works for the Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta Foundation (CHOA). I had no idea what to expect, but I didn’t really think much would come of it. I hoped that she would maybe have some good contacts for non-profits in Atlanta, but I never considered CHOA. I knew that they are a very highly accredited non-profit, and I thought there was no way I would be able to do anything with them. Well I go to meet with this woman. One thing leads to another, and I end up having two interviews for internships that afternoon. In hindsight, it was probably good that I had no notice of these interviews because I had no time to worry about them. I was calm the entire time, and since I had no time to prepare, it forced me to just be completely myself. Then I ended up having another interview the next morning. So in a span of 24 hours, I went from having no clue about what I may want to do to having 3 interviews. I knew it would be a few days before I found out, but I walked away from those experiences very excited and joyful. I realized that more than possibly finally finding out what I might be doing in August, God was using these experiences to really speak to my heart. In a span of a few days, I had people who I just met who were saying all these great things about me. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand what they saw in me. Often, many people around me have a lot of confidence in me, but I have no confidence in myself. It confused me why all these strangers were trying to help me or even wanted me to work with them, but I felt like God was trying to speak to me through them.
I have always been recognized for what I do and for what I can accomplish. I desire more than anything to be recognized for who I AM, not what I can do. God has been working on that in my heart all year. Because I don’t know any other way, I often perceive people’s view towards me as only seeing what I can do. I will compare myself to others and think that if I am more outgoing, more enthusiastic, more like this or that, THEN people will see me for who I really am. In my mind, many of my qualities are more productivity oriented. I am detail-oriented. I work hard, and I definitely have a very systematic and businesslike mindset. To me, all of these things have always been associated with what I can do, so I want to try to run away from them. I want to be something else because that is how people will finally see me for who I am. In the last week, God has shown me that all of those qualities are in fact a part of who I am. Oftentimes I feel like there is this dichotomy in myself. I have all those businesslike qualities mentioned above, but I also have a lot of heart and desire to be relational. In the past, I have always felt like I had to pick one or the other, but through the experiences of my interviews last week, God showed me that all of those things are a part of me. I don’t have to just pick one or the other. I need to bring them together. So for the first time, I am starting to understand that being seen for who I am doesn’t mean running away from these qualities that God has given me. In my mathematical mind, it still doesn’t add up. It is still very new to me. I still don’t understand how I can possess these qualities and be seen for beyond what I can do. It makes no sense to me, but I don’t think I am supposed to understand. God just wants to show me that I need to embrace them instead of trying to run away. Basically, I feel like I am finally in the posture where I can allow God to show me more of who I am. So that phrase “become who you are” has taken a whole new meaning to me in the last week.
From the interviews I had, one of them very evidently showed me how that position would allow God to continue molding my heart in the same way He has been throughout this year. It was very consistent with this year; however, that position did not work out. Instead I was offered another internship, which will be from August to December. At first I was disappointed because with this one, it is harder for me to understand exactly how God will use it to keep forming my heart in the way that it has been formed this year. However, I think I would be missing the point of the message He has been trying to speak to me if I thought that it wasn’t right for me just because I don’t understand completely how it will fit. He understands how it fits, and that is all that matters. With the way that this just fell into my lap, I think God is making it clear that He definitely provides for me, as well as making it abundantly clear that He will continue to provide for me. I am excited about this opportunity, and I am excited to see how God will use it as a transition to lead me on the path He wants me on. I feel like He has been pouring out His love and providence on me, and He is asking that I trust that He will continue to do so for me.