Painfully Aware – Pruney Fingers

I know, it has been about a month since I posted last – SORRY! I actually started to blog about three different times. Once I thought I would write about how God is teaching me humility, then I thought I would write about how God tied in humility with the gift of the fear of the Lord, then I thought I would write about what I have been learning about Theology of the Body (I just read “Heaven’s Song” by  Christiopher West). So I started all these blogs but I never finished them – in part because when I have been using the internet I have spent a substantial amount of time looking at different hospitals (if you look at my last blog it explains how I feel led to going back to the clinical setting) and submitting applications, and in part because when I blog I really need to be inspired and when I am, then I am on a roll and if I stop half way I lose my train of thought and then I just can’t pick up from where I left off. Whew – so, sorry about that!

So what has been happening lately is that I have become aware, very aware, of how I am lacking in humility and that my capacity to love others fully/unconditionally falls very, very, very short. This awareness has been good because when I really look at it the way it should be looked at, as an opportunity for growth in faith, hope and love, then I am enabled to make my prayer time more intentional.

When I don’t look at this awareness in that light – THE LIGHT -, then it can easily become burdensome. It is so easy for me to be hard on myself, and when I notice I am not being humble/loving I just feel awful about it, I let the awareness which is meant to be a good thing, become a burden that says “I just stink! Why can’t I love well!? Aaaaaaaaaaaah!” When I look at the awareness in this way, it’s like I willingly swim in a pool of self-pity until my fingers get pruney – that is NOT what I want to do! Ugh!

Now that I think about it, today at mass Fr. Chris Dunlap (great priest!) was talking about God being the vine and us the branches, and he mentioned the need to be pruned.  I guess it didn’t hit me until now that this awareness, as painful as it can be, is a sort of pruning of my soul. Do I want it? YES. Is it painful? YES. Is it worth it? YES.  Oy vey but it can be hard – sometimes, I make it harder.

I cannot love others as I was created to love unless God is loving in/through me. This new awareness  of what some might call “little things” has just made me more aware of the ways that my heart has not fully surrendered to Him. I just want to surrender it, I want Him to redeem every part of my heart that is acting as an obstacle for unconditional love.

I guess it really comes down to humility. So here is a prayer I have been praying for a while, I actually stopped praying it about 2 weeks ago but I really feel the need to pick it up again, it’s the litany of humility:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From
the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From
the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I,
provided that I may become as holy as I should…

My prayer is that I would allow this awareness to be the grace it is meant to be, to not make it to be a burden, and to not let my fingers get pruney :)

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