About once a day I think to myself, “Alright Haylee it is time to blog”, but somehow I cannot get myself to sit down and write! It’s been about 3 weeks now that I’ve had this mindset and FINALLY I see why I struggle so much to sit down and write these blogs. The reason I struggle with blogging is because I am not someone to just sit down and talk about what’s going on from day to day. As I sit down and write these blogs, I want to share my heart. I don’t want to just tell you what we do from 7 in the morning to 9 at night (although everything we do is exciting). I want to tell you what God is doing in my heart. I want to tell you the ways that God has been breaking me and transforming me. This is a HARD thing to do! However, I am ready. I am ready to share with you what God has been doing because I finally have processed the emotions and desire nothing but to share God’s glory with the world.
My Lenten Journey was a time of incredible purification and stretching. I will be honest. It was not easy. There were days when my heart hurt. There were days when I struggled with memories of pain and of the past. There were days when I was angry with God and asked Him why certain things were occurring/ had occurred in my life. There were other days when I cried my heart out and all I wanted was my daddy to hold me in his arms, wipe away my tears, and tell me that I am beautiful and His beloved.
I would say the biggest gift God blessed me with this lenten season is being able to discern spirits (what voices are from the devil and what voices are from God). During one night of adoration, I was praying into this and asked the Lord to reveal to me the lies that Satan tells me. This is what I got: “You are unworthy, you are not good enough, your pain is your fault, you will never be as holy as you should, you are not beautiful”. Now these are hard and very difficult things to hear. Unfortunately, Satan has attacked me with these lies for as long as I can remember. Before this year, I would sit in these lies and allow them to feed on themselves. I wouldn’t go to the Lord and ask for Him to speak truth to these lies. I would allow Satan to tell me these things and believe them.
Now, this Lent I was faced with these lies again. I was faced with the decision to let Satan win or let God speak truth and conquer the lies. I asked God to bring me the truth during this same night of adoration. He said to me, “you are a lily, you are a gift, you are my beautiful beloved daughter, I have made you worthy of goodness and beauty and blessing, you are mine forever, I will never leave you.”
This Lenten season I feel that I was able to walk with the Lord a bit of the way to Calvary. Never will I experience the suffering and pain He endured, but I am blessed to now understand the beauty of uniting my suffering with Christ’s. Never will I be able to experience the resurrection without the crucifixion.
This year has been a time of healing and freedom. I trust that God will heal me completely. However, I know that healing takes time. I must be able to fall to my knees and run to my Father’s arms with I am faced with these lies. I now know the difference between the voice of God and the voice of Satan. (sounds crazy right? I should know the difference! But sometimes it’s very hard for me) I am able to recognize the lies and use God’s words of love and mercy to defeat the lies.
I have got a while to go. I have got a while till I am able to actually be joyful in these times, but God is faithful. God is moving.He will never leave me or forsake me. I trust in His infinite love and miraculous healing powers.
I trust that if I run into my Father’s arms He will embrace me and take care of everything.