At the beginning of the year, blogging was so easy for me. I was overwhelmed with so much I wanted to share that I had difficulty in finding the time to share all of it. It seemed as if multiple times a week that Lord was speaking something profound, in a small or large way, to my heart. But recently, it has been different. I haven’t been sharing as much because I just don’t know what to say. I get frustrated that I have nothing to post, as my life seems busy and should be full of thoughts to share.
I have been distracted recently, which I think is why it has been harder for me to share. But distraction or not, it is what has been on my heart, so I will share. A consistent theme for me this year has been one of needing to trust the Lord. I have taken several baby steps in recognizing the need to trust and to surrender to God, but I still have a long way to go. Right now, I am really struggling to let go of my future. I like to be in control. I like plans. I like knowing what is going to happen. And right now, I do not feel like I am in control. I do not have a plan, and I do not know what is going to happen. Needless to say, it is driving me crazy. Beginning at Christmas and maybe even before then, people started asking me what I was going to do after this year. I would laugh and say that I had no clue. I wasn’t thinking about it and was just letting God speak to me in His own time. Well that worked just fine for me until a few weeks ago. More conversations have come up, and although I still have four months here, it seems like it is time to “figure it out.” Well I keep getting in prayer that I am not supposed to figure it out on my own, yet I keep trying to grasp for control. I am not worried about being taken care of next year. I know God is going to take care of me and provide a job and everything I need, BUT I still want to know what that looks like. I was doing pretty well in being patient with His time, but now I feel like I have lost my patience. So once again, I grasp for control. I want to know what I am going to be doing. Why? Because what I “do” has always defined me. I have always been defined by my accomplishments and what I was doing. I was defined as a student for most of my life. As much as I hate being defined as a missionary, in many ways I often feel defined by that label this year. So I want to know what I will be defined by in the next chapter of my life. And as I strive to figure out what will “define” me, I start thinking about what kind of job I will have or what I will be doing. The Lord keeps telling me that I am missing the point.
The whole theme of being and not doing continues to come up. As I pray about next year, the following phrase comes up over and over again: “it’s not about what you do, but who you are.” Honestly, I am sick and tired of hearing God say that to me, but He is going to say it until I believe it. I wish He would find a different way to speak that truth to my heart because that sentence doesn’t seem to be working. I understand what it means. I know it is true, but to live like I believe it is a completely different story. That means radically changing my world. It means that the lie that I have built my entire life around, the lie that says that the only thing that matters is what I accomplish, is going to be shattered. Is that freeing? Absolutely. But it also means completely rocking my world, and that sounds scary to me. So I know that God is calling me to let go, as He wants to show me the truth of who I am, but I am fighting. It scares me to have to hear something about how it doesn’t matter what I do. I feel like I am playing a game of hide and seek with God. I hear Him say that to me. I get scared of what it means, so I go hide for a little while. I work up to courage to come back, and I hear the same thing. So I go hide again. I don’t know what I am so afraid of. I know that there is so much peace and freedom in surrendering, but I am just being too stubborn to trust that God really wants to take care of me. What if I give all I am to Him, and He doesn’t take care of me? I know it’s not true, but in my humanness, it seems like a good excuse to not surrender to His will for me.
So I am currently getting frustrated that God isn’t speaking any clarity into my life and that my time and His time are not at all the same. I know the reason He is not speaking more clearly to me is because I am focusing too much on the wrong thing. I am wondering what He is calling me to do and what that means for how my life will be defined. And He wants me to focus on how my life is defined not by my surroundings or accomplishments but by my identity as His daughter. That concept is difficult for me to grasp. I am not sure why it seems scary, but it does. It’s why I keep running away from Him. He is calling me to run back into His loving embrace, but my feet feel frozen in place. And as I feel like I am paralyzed and unable to run, He is lovingly asking me to take just a baby step towards Him, as I take a baby step in trusting Him.