It’s been a while since I’ve blogged; but I have set time aside to do so! I was able to go on a discernment visit to the Legionaries of Christ and the Brothers of St. John from March 19-23. During one of my meditations in the chapel of the novitiate of the Legionaries the words of Christ in the meditation I was doing that stood out clearly: “I THIRST”. I have seen this phrase a few times on walls of convents of the Missionaries of Charity and obviously these are words spoken by our Lord on the Cross. But how do they apply to me? I asked myself: “how can I quench Christ’s thirst”? and “what is He thirsting for really?” Then it suddenly became so clear, God thirsts for MY LOVE. How often am I not loving Christ, do I sort of ‘forget Him’ for a portion of the day, do I limit Him to my set prayer times, or do I feel like I can spend my time more ‘useful’ than to sit in the Chapel for long periods of time. It is time for me to return that love more consciously and intentionally. The songHow He Loves Us by David Crowder came up later during this same meditation, and I realized, how amazing and unconditional His LOVE for me is! It is so powerful! And while sitting in this beautiful little chapel with black and white stained-glass windows through which the sun shone, I felt God asking me: “Am I enough for you?”. And I was like: “sure, I guess, yeah”. But it made me quiet down, and while gazing upon the crucifix I let that question hit my soul. The Lord answered: “JJ, I will take care of you, but you have to let Me” and with this prompting He left me praying.
Vocation… scary. We are all called. I questioned myself: “am I open, do I have a disposition of willingness”? A quote by Fr. Bannon LC struck me as well: “our Christian life must not be a matter of emotions but of convictions and love”. I notice so often how I fluctuate between emotions and how that affects my joy and the people around me. My convictions and love need to determine my identity in Christ as a beloved son with a constant attitude of receptivity.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also ~Matthew 6:21
My treasure is with Christ, at times. That means my heart is with Christ, at times. What are the times my heart and consequently my treasure is not with the Lord? I feel like this is what God has been clarifying during this Lenten season to me. DETACHMENT from the world and ATTACHMENT to Christ. An awesome line from morning prayer of the 5th Sunday of Lent sums everything up so perfectly:
Healer of body and soul, cure the sickness of our spirit, so that we may grow in holiness through Your constant care
The Lord went out of His way (there is no out of His way haha) to make me feel at home. I had so many connections speaking with the seminarians, so many laughs, good conversations, interesting conversations and I even played some tennis with a few of them! The granite floors in the chapels reminded me of my parents’ house in the Netherlands. Those little things God likes to put in there just for kicks.
Back at Covecrest many thoughts race through my head; when, where, how? But the Lord is asking me to surrender and trust before anything else. His will be done! And I feel peaceful about it, if this is where the Lord is calling me, to become a priest in the Legion of Christ, then so be it. Because we will only be fully alive in the glory of God, and that’s what I want, to truly live, to be alive, completely, in my King and Savior Jesus Christ.
A blessed Holy Week, to rise with Christ on Easter!
Feel free to email me any prayer intentions: [email protected]