Whew, I know I have said this before but I’ll say it again: wow, we need prayer. Not prayers from other people (although we need that too), but we need prayer for ourselves. This seems like such an over-used statement. I would normally think “DUH, we need prayer! Why do we need to keep saying this!?” BECAUSE I ALWAYS FORGET. Well . . . maybe not forget to think about it, but I forget to do it. I get wrapped up in the business of life and, all of a sudden, a week has gone by and I haven’t had a good conversation with God.
I have had some long stretches of this in the past month. Good news is that when this happens I can see where I am beginning to break down because of it. It might be patience, jealousy, judgement, distraction, or something else. But, whatever it is, I can always trace it back to a point when I began to pull away from my prayer life.
One simple example has been my prayer about next year and where God has wanted me to go. I am struggling with it a lot! This is probably repetitive. I feel like I have said this or talked about it a lot in the past few posts. BUT, I have never been in a position in which I do not have a clue what I am going to do next year. AND IT IS FREAKING ME OUT! (this is a little exaggerated. Though, in a lot of ways I do feel much tenser because of this lack of direction). However, I have noticed that when I am fully involved with prayer I have a peace and more trust in my Savior.
Then there are the times in which I have lost total concentration and energy in prayer. We have a holy hour everyday and morning, evening, and night prayers. So I am spending the time in prayer. But time is not the only thing that God is wanting for us. If that was the case He could have made zombies and just set them down in front of Him to worship forever. No, God is also wanting our attention. He wants us to interact with Him. THAT is what I fail at sometimes. I think that He enjoys it when we push through prayer and remain in it with consistency. BUT, if we never enter into that time and just sit on the outskirts of intimacy then we never fully live into a prayerful life and we will never see the fruits of such intimacy and interaction and focus. A lot of times, God WANTS to tell us things but we aren’t listening to it and so we wonder why He isn’t talking to us!
SO, going back to thinking about next year. I am perfectly fine when I am deep in discussion with God. I am patient with not knowing. Earlier this month when I was deep in prayer I got the feeling that He just wants me to wait. It has happened a few times that I have had conversations with Jesus and He ends my questioning with a word: “wait”. For awhile that was really frustrating and I began to just back away from prayer. I was impatient with His Word, and wanted more. I thought that my practical thinking and logistical processing would be better. However, when I began to pull away from that prayer life I lost contact with God and His intimate desire to want the best for us. The impatience and sense of urgency became a distraction. Confusion was very prominent. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t know what I was waiting for. Why do I have to wait for anything? I can make my own future.
Now, this is not the best train of thought. I can bet that we can all see where this is going. It would be headed to a really big fall if I haven’t had a sense of what was going on. I sense when I am getting too far from the peace of Christ and I know that hardens my heart. So, last weekend, I brought it back. I brought my worries and desires, my confusion and distractions before the Lord. I let Him know that I was drawing way from him. I let Him know upfront what was happening to me and what I needed. I needed a little direction to what was happening. I sat down one morning and dived into His intimacy again.
It is funny how He responds. He just straight up told me immedietely. I love it when I open myself up completely (positively and negatively) He opens up completely to me. The entire day was filled with little signs of a message that I had received in prayer. He was telling me to wait again, but now for a reason. There is something in my own heart that needs to change before I can go ahead. It was incredibly enlightening. I knew I still needed to open up part of my heart to Him and to change some of my old ways but I was trying to push ahead without fully healing wounds that were created in past years. He grabbed my face and told me: ‘I need to you to work on a certain area of your life with Me. Let us focus on that before we go on our way. We need to stop and take care of this stuff and then I will help you onward. If you go on right now, then you will be doing it wounded and with Me right behind trying to bandage a wound that probably won’t heal correctly unless we stop and you let Me take care of it now.”
Peace to you all