I am being pursued.
Over the past few days a couple of scripture passages have stood out to me,
You shall be a glorious crown in the hand of the LORD, a royal diadem held by your God.
No more shall men call you “Forsaken,” or your land “Desolate,” But you shall be called “My Delight,” and your land “Espoused.” For the LORD delights in you, and makes your land his spouse.
As a young man marries a virgin, your Builder shall marry you; And as a bridegroom rejoices in his bride so shall your God rejoice in you.
It is you whom I invoke, O Lord
In the morning you hear me;
in the morning I offer you my prayer,
watching & waiting.
Over the past few days I feel like God has really been revealing a lot of truth to me through Morning Prayer (liturgy of the hours), mass and just by spending time with Him.
These passages from scripture stood out to me because over the past two weeks God has really enabled me to see how I have given into the lie that I am not worthy to be pursued/fought for. This lie of being invisible/not seen, not good enough to be pursued/fought for.
What is crazy is how I came to this truth. It all started in Mexico, during our mission. During our “siesta” (free time) I had the opportunity of spending time in prayer in the chapel at the mission. The week in Mexico was abundantly blessed, and with its blessings came unforeseen challenges for me. My heart was going through a million emotions that week. The two truths that God began to instill in me are that I am beautiful and I am worthy to be pursued/fought for. The chapel at the mission house was a place of refuge where I could just be still, in His presence, journal out everything I was thinking about and through that, God spoke truth. He did not speak it all at once, but it was like He was tilling the soil of my heart to be ready for what He wanted me to be aware of.
I’ve shared with my missionary brothers/sisters at Covecrest that it is way easier for me to relate to God as Father & Holy Spirit but when it comes to relating to God as my Savior, really as the Lover of my soul, it is harder. After much prayer and after talking with my spiritual director as well as a trusted friend, it was totally confirmed that it’s more difficult for me to embrace Jesus as the lover of my soul because too often I have given in to this lie that I am not worthy to be fought for/pursued. Because if anyone has fought for/pursued me more than anyone ever could, it is Jesus.
Someone I talked too worded it really well, he was saying how I am God’s little girl, and that it’s evident that this truth of God being my Father is really engrained in the depths of me, but it seems like now God is calling me into my womanhood so to speak. He wants me to know and be fully aware of the truth that I am His created beauty and that my heart is made to be pursued, by Him. And going along with that, something else God has really been confirming is my vocation (aside from living as a missionary). I discerned the religious life and after much prayer I know that is not my vocation. What has been stirring in my heart is the call to marriage, and to raise a holy family. I am definitely still praying into all this, but it seems to me like Jesus’ pursuit of my heart somehow ties into my future husband’s pursuit of my heart. I don’t know if that makes sense, but somehow I think it makes sense. I can get frustrated with not knowing things, not fully understanding what God is doing or why, and I can definitely get impatient with “watching and waiting.” I was writing to a friend the other day as I continued to process all this, and one thing that came to mind in regards to the “watching and waiting,” it’s like God is saying to me, “watch & wait child, I am writing your story, rest assured, my Love is the movement of your life.” I just need to trust in His lead you know? Why do I make it hard – all He wants to do is take care of me, all I need to do is to let Him.
On another note, I came across a singer/songwriter when we were driving back from Mexico. About 2 days ago I looked her up on itunes and bought her album – it is amazing! It’s crazy because I feel like so much of what her songs are about, it’s like it’s my heart on an album – all of it! Ah! I just love music. The artist I am writing about is Brooke Fraser and the album is Albertine. I’ve listened to the whole album several times but the tracks that I have listened to the most are “Love is Waiting,” “Albertine,” “Shadowfeet,” “C.S. Lewis,” & “Hymn.”
So my prayer is that I will let my heart be pursued, because I am worthy. Amen.