I’m a little tired. . . okay maybe a lot tired. Not as in sleepy tired. I have been on the couch for the past six days due to a wonderful fever and some crazy white gunk taking over my tonsils. SO. . . I have had enough of sleep (and movies, and unfortunately the St. Therese book).
No, I am more just weak tired. Early on in the week I couldn’t swallow anything other than liquids, and even now I am stuck with oatmeal, yogurt, and pudding (ugh . . . oatmeal). SO, after an hour of being up I get a little sick and begin feeling drained of energy: not cool.
I don’t think I have ever been this sick before in my life. I have never been stuck to my bed for more than a couple days, and usually I can bounce back with a snap of my fingers. Not this time. I am really struggling. Not only is my body weak but my mind is being pushed down by anxiety and worry. Uncertainty of how much I can push my body, worry that I will get worse in Mexico (we leave in two days). I am not used to this. I am used to being fine, strong, healthy.
This brings me to a question I have been wrestling with over the past week (complete subject change that doesn’t have much to do with the first).
I think I would say that there are three voices that are trying to be heard in our world. The voice of God. The voice of the devil/evil (or whatever is the opposite of God), and the voice of myself. All three of these voices are fighting for control. Control of the world. In a smaller case: control of me. BUT, how does one distinguish one voice from the other?
Let’s face it. A LOT of times, God doesn’t really spell out exactly what he wants. Right? Sometimes he doesn’t say anything to us at all. He is just completely silent. Many saints have gone through a period of time in which they do not hear God speaking to them. Who knows why God might remain silent. Maybe because it helps us grow, it makes us stronger, it is a test, it is better that he does not on certain occasions. Whatever the case, there are a lot of times in which I do not hear him.
On top of that, even when he IS speaking, I sometimes cannot distinguish it from my own voice or the OTHER voice(this is how I will describe the voice opposite of God). If something happens, I don’t always know if the cause, reaction, or consequence is coming from above, below, or from within.
If I am trying to listen to God but am not getting anything, there may be a possibility that He might not want to say anything on purpose, right? If he is not saying anything on purpose, it leaves a lot of possibilities open for why something has happened. Such as a sickness. SO, I have been sick and wondering in my bed if God was trying to teach me something or if another voice was throwing a party inside my body. But, right now there is no way of knowing because He isn’t speaking to me right now. Here comes my questions. Where do I go? What do I believe and take away from this situation? Does it even matter? Am I looking WAY to far into it?
WHOA .. . my head almost exploded. I have been sitting here for about 15 minutes typing, deleting, and retyping a bunch of different thoughts that never seem to end. Thoughts that might be meaningful but are fairly out of place here and would cause this blog to turn into a book. So I will just leave with this: many times I am confused over whether the voice is God, the OTHER, or myself. There. Simple. But not really, I don’t think anybody can be fully certain in EVERY situation who they are following.
AH. . . I just reread this thing and EW. What was I blabbering about!!! jk
Peace. Pray for us down in Mexico. Pray for my health. And I will see you all in 12 days!!!!!!!!