I always have the worst dates.
Seriously, the movie How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days has nothing on me. My dating disasters have been frequent and broad in their range of humiliation: I have been taken to the hospital, spilled my drink over my date’s new couch, called the guy by the wrong name, got lost and stuck in a ditch, and laughed so hard I choked on my meal nearly causing the waiter to perform the Heimlich.
And you wonder why I am still single?
But wait there’s more. Here are my top two worst date experiences.
. . . Are you ready?
Blowing Chunks Never Looked so Attractive
Once I went on a date with a guy from work named Sean. He took me to a nice restaurant 45 minutes away in a small, quaint town near Lake Michigan. We ordered this great meal, and about half-way through the appetizer, I noticed that my stomach started swirling. I tried to ignore it. I didn’t want to interrupt the conversation. Maybe it was just some gas.
But NO . . . this was not gas. As Sean continued to talk, my stomach got worse. I started sweating. My head started pounding, and then this nauseous feeling suddenly overtook me and WHAMMO . . . I started dry-heaving at the table!!!
My date was still mid-sentence! I covered my mouth and abruptly ran to the bathroom and projectile vomited directly in the restaurant sink . . . That was attractive and humiliating! My second date with Sean was better, but the possibility for romance had definitely gone down the pipes along with my up-chucked appetizer.
Trash Talk Goes Bad
My second favorite date memory was when I went skiing with a new cute fella’ named Brian. I am not the best skier, but I’m always up for a challenge. Flirting as you would suspect, Brian starts some casual and playfully “trash talk” while we ski . . . I have a competitive spirit, so I flirt back.
In the fun banter, Brian challenges me to a “black-tip” slope (the most dangerous). Although the thought of this makes me want to pee my pants, I dismissively accept. You’re on! And off we go.
To make a long story short. I get to the top of the hill and look down in a panic, but I can’t go back! I push off the slope, and within two seconds, I do the most horrific wipe out the human race has ever seen. My skies, gloves, hat, and polls fly in every direction, (also known for skiing regulars as a “yard sale”). My body twists and tumbles, contorting in ways I didn’t think humanly possible. I actually hear the squeals and screams of horror from the viewers watching from the above sky lift as I roll 30 ft.
I laid there humiliated. “Am I dead?” No, but I’m injured. And with the pain from my body, I can’t move. The next thing I know, security closes down the slope, and the Ski Patrol comes to get me. How humiliating!!
Three men in orange jackets lift me onto a stretcher and zip me up in the 6 foot bag on a sled–[Please imagine me waving to my cute date, as they zip (zippppppp) the orange bag over my head]. I of course get emotional and have to be taken to the emergency room. Our night of fun has turned into a night of waiting rooms, x-rays, and insurance forms. And I learned a powerful lesson in what proverbs says with need to control my tongue!
Have I scared you from ever wanting to embark on another date again? . . .
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
Okay, my point in this blog is not to scare you with my ridiculous and funny stories, but to welcome you back to the reality of the human condition . . .
Be Not Afraid
Television over-romanticized love. It makes us think that at every date: music plays in the background, you always look amazing, have the right thing to say, and lilies magically appear in the fields at every street corner. But that has never been my experience. When two people come together, it’s messy. It’s sometimes scary, and always imperfect. But do not be afraid. It is in the messiness that we find the humanity of God . . . Who took on human flesh, our brokenness, to show us real love.
Although dating can be an intimidating, and sometimes bizarre event. It also can be really beautiful and a lot of fun, too. Dating helps us learn about ourselves, the opposite sex, grow personally and spiritually, and hopefully not take ourselves too seriously in the process.
So remember: If you get a flat tire, spill spaghetti on your lap, laugh so hard milk comes our your nose, or you squeeze out a “silent but deadly” fart at the table. Roll with it! Laugh it off and don’t sweat the small stuff. The awkward silences will get better as you learn to relax and enjoy the ride. And maybe if you are lucky, the two of you will have something funny to remember and laugh about for next year’s Valentine’s Day!