One of the things I hate about flying is the discomfort and awkwardness of sitting very close to a stranger for 4 or more hours (the typical length of one of my flights).

I’m an introvert, but I’m not anti-social. I like talking, but I hate small talk – which is what plane conversations often are. (For me, at least)

It’s my luck to always get stuck next to: the creepy, flirty man; the smoker or perfume over-doser who gives me a headache; chatty Cathy who ignores the book in my lap; and many others who have left me with the opinion that I’d rather sit alone.

I often fly on a certain airline where you can pick your own seat. So in order to avoid people picking the seat next to me, I came up with a list.

My hope is that if I do one of these things, it results in me sitting next to big, fat, nobody!

• Read a large newspaper
• “Accidentally” spill coffee on the seat next to me
• Cry
• Sneeze repetitively and blow my nose
• Bring a child
• Gain a large amount of weight
• Look angry
• Vomit
• Paint my nails
• Eat potent food (like Chinese or fish)
• Creatively combine any of the above mentioned

This may seem extreme, but so is my discomfort.

I had to have a serious talk with myself yesterday after I came up with this list. How am I supposed to be Christ’s hands and feet in this world, to show His love, and spread joy, if I’m too busy keeping strangers away from me! I mean, gosh, all my best friends were strangers at one point.

So . . . I hear-by promise (as tempting as it is) to not angrily eat Chinese and spill nail polish on the airplane seat. I will smile, make small talk, and act with love.

Some people are able to strike up a conversation with their flight neighbor. I’ve known people who can even evangelize successfully on a plane. That’s not my battle though. Mine is simply to let Christ love on the world through my smile, kindness, and invitation to “go ahead, sit here if you’d like.”

One night in high school, my ex-boyfriend’s best friend called me up. He told me that he and his girlfriend, and my ex-boyfriend, were all hanging out, and that I should come over. From the tone in his voice and slight innuendo in his words, I knew what this meant.

My ex-boyfriend and I had played the “friends with benefits” game before. Thus I wasn’t surprised and actually felt a bit flattered that this popular, talented, good-looking guy would beckon me to him, even if we weren’t still dating.

I excitedly rushed over to the best friend’s house, greeted everyone, and proceeded to “hang out” exclusively with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t see anything wrong with making-out with my ex-boyfriend, because after all, I wasn’t having sex. I wasn’t even having oral sex. In fact, I was following the boundaries I had learned from the (bad) advice of someone in ministry: “Just keep your pants on!”

So I wondered why, even after we hooked up, I still felt a pit of disgust in my stomach and a twinge of shame in my conscience. I had just experienced these moments of pleasure, but I felt quite lonely and empty. Questions also arose in my mind: “Does my ex-boyfriend still like me? Are we going to get back together now? How often are we going to do this?”

Even as I said good-bye and left for home, I continued to justify to myself that there was nothing wrong with “hooking-up.” I thought to myself, “Everybody does it, anyway, and I’m staying within my boundaries. I’m good!” Even though my head was rationalizing my actions, my heart still stirred with more restlessness and more shame than before the night began.

So, what was my problem? Actually, my heart was not having a “problem” at all, but experiencing the truth! Looking back now, I see that my 16-year old self knew deep down that it is never right to use someone for mere pleasure, or use someone at all. On the other side of the coin, I also knew the lousy feeling of prostituting myself out to a guy to be a mere object for his pleasure, even if in a more restrained way than most people my age.

The truth is we are called to love selflessly and not use selfishly. Blessed John Paul II even said in his book Love and Responsibility that the opposite of love is not hate, but use of another person as an object. If this is true, then hooking-up is the opposite of authentic love, and teaches us instead how to settle for counterfeit intimacy, grow in lust, selfishly use another, and disregard the dignity and worth of others and ourselves.

What Is a Hook-Up Anyway?

Defining a “hook up” is like trying to catch a ninja: very tough.

In our culture, a hook-up can mean anything from making-out, all the way to sex. But it is generally between two people who are not in an exclusive relationship. (Note: even people in exclusive relationships still fall into sin when they use each other for pleasure and choose lust over love, inciting arousal rather than showing affection). Unfortunately, because our culture displays “hooking-up” as a normal part of human relationships, even good Catholics fall into to this form of lust. This happens sometimes because they don’t know God’s plan for authentic love, or they give in to temptation in a moment of weakness.

Why Is It Bad?

So what’s wrong with hooking-up? A lot of people “of this world” will say, “Geez, it’s not that big of a deal!” Well, when you’ve been eating out of the dumpster your whole life, how are you supposed to know that there’s a banquet of delicious food awaiting you? If everybody on TV and in movies shows us that “hooking up” is just “normal,” how are we supposed to know that we’re meant for more than momentary lust that doesn’t satisfy?

Counterfeit vs. Real Love

When I was 18, I experienced the love of God (through the Eucharist and in others) in a very powerful way at a youth conference. It turned my life upside down. I thought to myself, “This is the love I have been looking for my whole life! This is the love that satisfies my heart! Finally! I never want to settle again for a lesser love!”

I realized that in high school, because of my “hook up” mentality, I thought love was about what I could “get” and not what I could give. I thought love was a momentary “feeling” and not an actual person – God.

I thought love was about pleasure alone. I soon realized that intimacy was much more than physical pleasure, but based on selfless relationship between two people. I had looked for high school boys to “satisfy” my desires (which even though pleasurable, they never did), and yet here was the One who had been there all along, waiting for me to experience His idea of love.

When I experienced the taste of the real Heavenly food, the Bread of Life, I never wanted to eat out of the dumpster again. I had been settling for the counterfeit of love, which was lust.

Our sexual desires are very good. Authentic love teaches us to acknowledge our sexual desires and use them in a good, healthy way (i.e., building intimacy in friendships with those of the opposite sex, not using others in “hook-ups,” waiting until marriage to have sex), giving us true freedom to live a life of chastity and holiness. Lust, however, allows our sexual desires to be a master over us, like we are animals with no self-control.

If you can’t say “no” to hooking up (whether making out or even having sex), are you really free? Nope, we are slaves to our sexual desires. God is calling us to authentic love, which is freedom to be a gift to another, as Jesus gave Himself in total freedom on the cross for love of us.

Selfish vs. Selfless

Because I had experienced this real love, I never wanted to use or be used again. Hooking up is all about “getting” something from someone. It’s all about “me.” It is very selfish. Why? Because rather than acknowledging another person as someone with a body and a soul, we merely use their body for our pleasure.

Lady Gaga in her song “Poker Face” (which is about showing no emotion during her sexual hook-up) says, “I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, cuz I’m bluffin’ with my muffin.’” If Lady Gaga knows what it means to bluff and lie with her body, doesn’t that mean she knows the truth? She can pretend to separate her soul and her emotions from her body, but it’s impossible.

Our bodies have a language, which long to speak the truth. Our bodies long for the deepest intimacy possible – that of body and soul. Our bodies even release a chemical called “oxytocin” when we are sexually aroused, which bonds us to another person. No wonder we continue to hook-up!

We might pretend that it’s “no big deal,” but our bodies have bonded with another. First, whoever says they are not aroused by a passionate kiss (or more) is lying to you. Secondly, this chemical is less strong the more and more partners we have. We were meant to be with one person forever, not with a bunch of people momentarily. If our bodies know this, our souls should.

Worthless vs. Full of Worth

When we have a hook-up mentality, we fail to see the dignity and worth of others and ourselves. Rather than seeing someone as a brother or sister in Christ, who we are called to get to heaven and lead in holiness, we see them as a disposable object, only good for a few uses.

Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). Right before that, Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. Our call to love is one of service and selflessness, because we recognize the beauty and dignity of our brothers and sisters. When we know this dignity, we will never desire to use another or let ourselves be used. After a friend of mine recognized the sinful depth of the hook-up life he was living, he said to me with great remorse, “This whole time I could’ve been leading these girls to Christ, but I used them instead.”

All of us desire a love that lasts forever. Hooking-up is a lust that lasts for a moment. It has never nor will ever satisfy the longing in our heart for union and communion with another (body & soul), which ultimately points us to union with God in Heaven. A life of love, though, must be a life of discipline.
No sports player ever made it to the professional league without lots of practice, hard work, and discipline.

That’s the same stuff that makes up good, healthy, holy marriages, and ultimately leads us to Heaven, as well. That’s why we are not just called “followers” of Christ, but disciples. We must practice chastity, persevere in holiness, and be disciplined in prayer. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it.

My brothers and sisters, I hope you never dumpster-dive again. My prayers will be with you as we lead each other and all we meet to the Heavenly Banquet!

“The differences in the characters of man and woman have their roots in creation. Man is made by God; woman is made by God from man.

As God is present at the creation of the world, so man is present, though in ecstasy, at the creation of the woman. The immediacy and the mediacy of the origin of the two sexes are mirrored forth in their differences.

Man, coming directly from God, has initiative, power and origin. Woman, coming from God through the ecstasy of man, has intuition, response, acceptance, submission, and cooperation.

Man lives more in the external world, because made from the earth and closest to it; it is his mission to rule over it and subject it. Woman lives more in the internal world, because she was created from an inner, human life.

Man is more interested in the outer world; woman in the inner world. Man talks about things; woman more about persons. Man fashions products of the earth; woman fashions life, having come from life, both Divine and human. Man, more related to the earth, makes sacrifices for things that are in the future and are abstract; woman, more related to the human, is more inclined to make sacrifices for persons and for that which is immediate.

Because more objective, man is inclined to give reasons for what he loves and for what he does; woman, being more subjective and having issued form the human, is more inclined to love just for love’s sake. Man’s reasons for loving are because of the qualities and attributes of the beloved. Man builds, invents, conquers; woman tends, devotes, interiorizes.

The man gives; the woman is a gift.”

An excerpt from Three to Get Married, by Archbishop Fulton Sheen

If you’ve had an abortion you know how much it hurts. It’s not over and done with when you walk out of the building.

I want you to know something. And I say this from the bottom of my heart. You are loved. You can be forgiven. And healing is possible.

I want to share a video that has a powerful message of hope for those who’ve suffered through an abortion.

This is a video of a woman named Lisa who dealt with abuse, divorce, and had three abortions. She has an incredible witness about the healing she received. The beauty of being Catholic is that besides counseling, we have the Sacrament of Confession where Christ Himself forgives us. Lisa experiences peace when she stopped hiding her abortions in the dark. Her shame was wiped away.

The most moving part of this video to me is when she says she can’t wait to get to heaven and have Jesus tell her, “you have three beautiful children here to meet you.”

As always, I’m praying for you.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who said that a woman has a right to have an abortion because it’s her body? This is one of the most common ‘defenses’ of the pro-choice position; so more than likely, you’ve heard it.

It’s hard to respond to. Here are some ways you can talk about this argument.

A woman’s body is one thing; a child’s body is another.

This may seem obvious, but to some people it’s not. Yes, a woman can do what she wants with her own body. If she really wants a mullet, or to rock that pink hair, by all means – she has a “right” to that.

On the contrary though, a woman does not have the right to choose what is going to be done to another person. If you were forced into having pink hair, or forced to jump off a bridge – the person who made those decisions for you would have violated your rights. Everyone can agree with that.

When a woman makes a decision to kill her child by having an abortion, that decision doesn’t affect only her body, but another person’s. That choice infringes the rights of the child for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

No person’s rights are more important than another person’s rights. Abortion says the exact opposite.

If a woman has a “right” to do what she wants with her body, then that responsibility starts before she gets pregnant.

If someone doesn’t want bad breath, they brush their teeth (or chew copious amounts of gum). If soccer players don’t want broken shins, they wear shin guards. With our bodies, we can see something called cause and effect very clearly.

If someone doesn’t care about having bad breath, then they’re not going to brush their teeth. There is a natural order so that when you do something to your body (or don’t do it) there is a direct result. That same person who doesn’t brush their teeth cannot get angry for having bad breath – they made that decision.

A woman who is sexually active and gets pregnant can’t really be surprised by the result of life in her womb. The reality is that sex, in it’s proper context, is meant for a love that is free, total, faithful, and fruitful – resulting in a baby.

More than 93% of today’s abortions are done for social reasons; the woman doesn’t want a child to interfere with her plans, or money issues. Those women who knew they didn’t want to have a child had the choice to have sex, or not to.

A woman does have a choice about what she can do with her body; it’s the same choice you have when you wake up and decide whether or not you want to wear deodorant or not. If you don’t, you’ll have to deal with the consequences.

The best response is always love.

When talking with someone who uses any argument to defend the right to have an abortion, the best way to approach the conversation is always with care and love.

When a woman says “this is my body” in talking about her decision, she’s usually speaking more out of fear rather than malice. She doesn’t want to deliberately kill her child because she hates children.

Jesus also said “This is my body” (Luke 22:19) at the Last Supper the night before He died. He said this when He was giving Himself to us in the Eucharist. Those words were based on love and self-gift. A mother has the same opportunity to make a gift of her body, her very self, to her child.

Remind her that we have a God who loves us unconditionally, and there is nothing that can change that.

When you hear the word “abortion” you think of a woman. And rightly so. A woman is the one who carries the child, undergoes the procedure, and loses her motherhood. But men are not numb to what is happening. Just as many men are stripped of their fatherhood by this horror. Those who haven’t experienced an abortion, are still passionate about protecting women and children and are saddened by abortion.

I asked a handful of men some questions about abortion and I was deeply moved by their answers. It convinced me that it’s not just women who are hurt by abortion. Men have strong feelings about it and want to stand up for life. They are affected too.

Read for yourself.

• How do you feel about abortion?
• Are men affected by this issue? How?
• What would you say to a woman who’s about to have an abortion?
• Why do you care what a woman does with her body?
• What can men do to stand up and fight against abortion?
• Why do you think men sometimes pressure women to have an abortion?

How do you feel about abortion?

To me abortion is one of the saddest things that happens in our world. It breaks my heart that we live in a society and in a world where we feel like we can take life away. I think I’ve gained a new appreciation for what it means to have life beginning at conception now that I have a child on the way. – Eric Porteous

I was a public school student and I can remember in 5th grade in “sex ed” I was taught that abortion was one of three equally appropriate actions to take when a child was conceived. Since that’s what I was taught, I thought it was right. Praise God for the gift of my faith and the grace to learn what is true. Especially as an adopted child, I value the gift of life. It would have been easy for my birth mother to “terminate her pregnancy” but she chose to give me life. – Scott Williams

Are men affected by this issue? How?

Absolutely, and I speak from personal experience. 11 years ago my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant, but because she already had one fatherless child and I was a drunk and an addict she told me she was going to abort the baby. I was not practicing my faith back then but I knew it was wrong. I fought for her to keep the baby but in the end I gave up.

Eventually we split up, I went to rehab and straightened out my life and found myself working in youth ministry, all by God’s grace. I thought my life was pretty good. But there was something missing. Although I had a lot of joy in my life I felt like there was an emptiness in me that I couldn’t fill.

A few years ago I was driving home, listening to our local Catholic radio station and there was a man talking about abortion. I can’t remember his name or much of what he said, but the one thing I can remember was that he spoke about how men suffer from abortion too. At that moment I realized what the emptiness in my own life had been, it was the loss of my child, the child I gave up on years before.

I had to stop the car and pull into a parking lot. I sat there and thought about all the times certain T.V. commercials brought me to tears unexplainably, how I was never able to talk about that incident and I could go on and on about all the other bad choices I had made. I tried to forget the part I played in the abortion of my child and it was tearing me up inside.

A few months later I heard about a Rachel’s Way retreat for women and men suffering from the loss of their children. It was there that I learned more about how and why women and men suffer from abortion and how to deal with it. I was also given a special grace from God. As we watched a video of men and women sharing their stories, I heard a small voice. It was the voice of little boy. I heard it clear as a bell, he said “Joshua, Joshua, my name is Joshua.” I knew it was my son and that God had allowed me to hear him so that I could grieve his death and begin the process of healing.

Today I still regret my lost fatherhood, but I’m able to share that with others. I still cry when I think about Joshua, but I pray for him and ask that he prays for me. The hurt is still there, but the emptiness is gone. – Bert Hernandez

When one hurts, we all hurt. If a woman is hurt, that is our mother, sister, daughter, or friend that is hurt. God has a plan for us all. We can’t pretend that if one life is gone, the world will be the same. – Michael Grothem

As a man, I want to be able to support the woman I love as much as I can. That means that when a woman becomes pregnant, the father needs to be there just as God is there for his bride, the Church. Just as Joseph was there for Mary. Men are affected by this issue because having children means accepting responsibility. Agreeing for a woman to have an abortion is saying no to the responsibility that has been given to the man. – Andrew Jones

Absolutely. We’ve lost a whole generation of children. That affects us whether we’re men or women. It breaks my heart personally because life is something that should be treasured and sacred. We’ve lost millions of people that could be doing amazing things in this world and we’ll never know. Suppose one of those babies could’ve come up with a cure for cancer, suppose they could’ve been a great priest, or the next pope, we’ll never know. And that has an impact on all of us. - Eric Porteous

Men are certainly affected by abortion. Some men don’t outwardly show their emotions, making it hard to spot or it is often quickly dismissed because it’s “not their body” and shouldn’t concern them. While walking across the country, promoting the pro-life movement a man came up after we did a speech at mass with tears rolling down his face telling us a woman he conceived a child with had an abortion without him knowing. He pleaded with us never to let someone go through the same misery he has. He still suffers the loss of his child to this day. – Scott Williams

What would you say to a woman who’s about to have an abortion?

You are beautiful and loved. You matter. God has chosen you to be a mother, to bring a life into this world. You can do this. God has trusted you with this child. He gave you this child for a reason. You can change the world. – Michael Grothem

Clearly, this is a decision that weighs heavily on any person. When people are faced with such dire decisions, meeting these with anger and legalism doesn’t change hearts or minds. Explaining that there are options like adoption, and programs, both Church supported and secular to support mothers who need help can create an environment of love where fear is trying to take hold. Replace fear and doubt with love and support. – Adam Eichelberger

I’d talk to her about the life inside her and the beauty of parenthood, but more than anything else I would try to convince her that she’s not alone. I believe a large percentage of women who get abortions have been convinced by the industry that they can’t do it; that they can’t give their child a good life. I think many just need to be told that they can do it. That there are people who can and will help them be great parents. – Rey Guevara

Why do you care what a woman does with her body?

The claim of pro-choice goes beyond a woman’s right to do what she wants with her body. When the leading atrocity being executed in our country and across the world is played out from our very own hands it’s not a claim of rights or choice for the mother. It’s a claim of liberty for the beating heart in the depths of her womb that is being silenced beyond it’s already limited stature. Our voices must rise in resounding shouts of love in defense of the very breath we take for granted each second. – Cristopher Matthews

Blessed JPII said that every man has the duty to uphold the dignity of every woman. Unfortunately too many men think more about what a woman can give him than what he should be providing for them. Men are built to protect, it part of our nature. – Bert Hernandez

I care because she is a daughter of God and deserves the truth when all she’s been hearing are lies. I care because she is my sister in Christ and I care a great deal about my sisters and want only the best for them, and the best is God’s will. – Bryan Kujawa

Because she is a child of God. As a servant of God, I have the right to stand up for God’s creation. This stands for both the child in the womb and the woman who carries that child. – Andrew Jones

What can men do to stand up and fight against abortion?

Men can do a lot to fight against abortion and stand up for women and unborn children. They can start by living lives of holiness and virtue. They can start by truly seeking to honor women in all of their interactions with them. They can show women that they genuinely care about them. They can realize that their actions have consequences and think about these consequences before doing anything. They can seek the truth and educate themselves so they may be better informed when asked about tough topics. They can live holy and chaste lives. – Bryan Kujawa

First, understand what being a man really is. Realize that the gift of creating life is set aside for the bond of marriage between a wife and husband. When we choose to pursue selfish pleasure rather than the true embodiment of love, we become the problem. So much of the problem that we have made when it comes to women feeling cornered into ending life, if we respected life as men and honored women with true, selfless love, there would be no need for abortion.

Second, stand for life. Be unafraid to lovingly stand for life. Don’t engage those who are facing such a hard choice with anger or frustration. Remind them of the power of love by being an example of love. Show love not only in how you speak, but how you act. Invest time, be kind, realize how vulnerable and conflicted women who face abortion are. – Adam Eichelberger

Why do you think men sometimes pressure women to have an abortion?

Fear and misunderstanding. There is a generation of men who grew up without someone to tach them what a it means to be a man, so men have misunderstandings about the role of the man. Society has portrayed men as either womanizing playboys or incompetent dolts. So naturally, thats what most men have become. When a man find out he is going to be a father they fear the responsibility that comes with a child. They are afraid of their inability to provide for the child or afraid of change of lifestyle that happens when you have a child. – Bert Hernandez

Because it’s so easy. It’s not our body. It’s not our choice. It’s not our life on the line. And yet this is the argument the pro-choice people use as well. It’s not our body, it’s not our choice. We, as men, have to act like the men God wanted us to be. Protectors. Redeemers. Counselors. And yet so many of us panic. We freeze, like Adam froze in the Garden. We blame it on Eve. When ultimately it is our fear that outweighs our responsibility to protect the new life that God has breathed into the wombs of our women. – Steve Gonzales

Men don’t pressure women to have an abortion. If a male pressures a woman to have an abortion, he doesn’t deserve the right to be called a man. A man’s role is to love, protect, provide, and grow chest hair. When males pressure women to have an abortion, it is because unfortunately, they lack what it takes to be a man, to be a father. – Scott Williams

When faced with fear people tend to act courageously or cowardly. That’s not to say there isn’t a time for the fight or flight instinct, but it would seem in the case of a man faced with an unplanned pregnancy he’s reaction is either one of courageous nobility or cowardly fear. Thus, the latter results in seeking to eliminate the inconvenience in order to remove the internal angst. – Cristopher Matthews