Q: What’s the deal with kissing? Is it okay to kiss my boyfriend? How about open-mouthed, French kissing?
A: I remember the dread and pressure of being “sweet 16 and never been kissed.” Shortly after my birthday and hearing that phrase tossed around by family members, it became my goal to have my first kiss. I confided in some of my girl friends about my goal and they suggested some random guy who I could surely get to kiss me. The next party I was at, I made it happen. But after it happened I only felt disappointment and regret. It was awkward. It didn’t mean anything. And I was no happier. I spent the next several years of high school avoiding the guy I had kissed, praying he’d forget about it and not tell anyone.
Contrast that situation with my husband and my first kiss. I could tell Brian wanted to kiss me after a great date we’d been on. We were talking as the evening ending and I felt like I had won the jackpot, we had such chemistry and connection. I couldn’t believe I was falling for such a great guy. Then he asked if he could ask me something. What a gentleman I thought! He’s going to ask if he can kiss me.
I was shocked when, instead, he asked if he could hold my hand. What?! Despite my initial thought being, are we in second grade? I gladly said yes and then basked in happiness as we held hands sitting near one another. Not only was I with a guy who I felt like I wanted to kiss, but I felt so safe and protected. It was better than kissing!
I think I was so shocked by his request to hold my hand, because for years I’d given away kisses with very little meaning. Kissing was just the next step when things were going well with a guy. In a way I felt like I had to kiss the guys I really liked because they had earned it and it would prove our relationship was worth something.
I realized what I thought was my desire to kiss Brian, was actually a desire to feel close and connected to him. He wanted to express himself in a way that showed he genuinely cared for me and didn’t want to take advantage of me.
As our relationship progressed, we aimed to keep our kissing pure and simple. I had read in Jason and Cystalina Evert’s book, “How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul,” that you should ask yourself “How would I kiss a guy in front of my dad?” or “How much kissing would you do with Jesus Christ present in the room?” Those questions really stuck with me and helped me identify if our kissing was truly pure and simple.
So to answer your question about open-mouthed, French kissing… it’s a bad idea because it’s only going to get one (or both) of the people ready for more than kissing. Girls and guys are built differently. While the girl may be thinking how close she feels to the guy she’s kissing, he’s most likely thinking about what’s going to happen next. Or at least his body’s getting ready for it.
Passionate kissing is an easy way to bring on lust (using someone else as a tool for one’s own gratification) versus love (giving of oneself). Deliberately lusting after someone is a sin. It’s important to always be communicating with one another as to whether you’re helping the other person to love or lust.
Our sexual desires are good. They are given to us by God. But they also must be used as God designed them. You want to save passionate kissing for when you don’t have to throw on the breaks, and that time comes only once you’re married. You’re never going to regret the kisses you didn’t give away. I challenge you to find ways other than kissing to express your love and interest!
(In a later blog, I’ll share some of the non-kissing strategies Brian used to win me over!)
Do you have a question about dating and relationships you’d like to ask Brian and Courtney Kissinger? Email them at [email protected] and your question could be the next blog post!